"We don't really care about the dog."

Alternative titles for tonight's recap include:

"Hi, my name is Ali and I like to wear mini skirts"

"Hi, my name is Frank and I still live at home with my parents"
"Hi, my name is Chris and I prefer a pointy hairstyle"
"Hi, my name is Roberto and I'm mucho caliente."
"Hi, my name is Jake and I'm a pompous, controlling, self-important fool."

Oh my gosh - tonight's episode should really be two separate blogs because first we have the Bachelorette and her five Bachelors in Lisbon, Portugal and then we have the train wreck that is Jake and Vienna's "why we broke up" interview.  I'll try my hardest to keep this to a read-at-one-sitting length but I'm not making any promises.

Part 1 - The Bachelorette

My boyfriend Chris Harrison starts out by greeting the five finalists for Ali's love and telling them they'll all get a date in beautiful Portugal but there will be no roses given out on any of the dates.  Oooh!  Drama in the first minute!

Roberto gets the first date and then Ali surprises them in the boys' hotel or whatever wearing mini skirt #1. She and Roberto walk around the picturesque city with an artfully arranged bouquet of flowers in their shopping bag. They try to master the art of the jumping photo and Roberto fails miserably. They take touristy photos all over the city then dance romantically in the middle of a cobblestone street. Dancing turns into kissing in the middle of the street. These two are not lacking in chemistry.  Then they take their own personal cable car through the city and continue with more of the kissing.

We go back to the happy couple and see Ali & Roberto go to this old castle with an amazing view overlooking Lisbon. These two love to kiss. They are so stinkin' cute together. Seriously. She cannot keep her hands off of him.  They talked a little too, I think, but I only remember all of the kissing.

Next it's time for the two-on-one date with Ty and Frank.  Frank runs in for the first hug from a sweat-pants wearing Ali. And guess what?  It's time for another helicopter ride! How many helicopter rides has this girl taken??? They're off to yet another castle but this time it’s a dinner for three and it’s awkward. They start drinking to reduce the tension. Ali pulls Ty aside for the first one on one time.

Ty and Ali talk about his family. ZZZ. He says “tickles me to death” and comes across very cute. He loves that Ali has goals and ambitions (what they are, we will never know because we didn’t get to hear her say anything.)

Nervous, unconfident Frank then goes off with Ali and he has a big secret to tell her.  Is it that he works as a barista at Starbucks? No. Is it that he still has a girlfriend he’s pining for? Nope. Instead, he talks about going to Europe, giving up his condo in the city and then seguewaying into how close he and his family are. So close that…HE STILL LIVES WITH THEM!
 
HOLY COW!
 
What is this guy’s deal? He gets all emotional while telling her too. He bugs. Totally bugs. Frank says “the look in her eye, it doesn’t matter to her” that he lives at home with his parents. Frank, that look was pity. But you know what? Based on last week's total give-away scenes from the rest of the season, we know you're around for awhile yet.  Why, I do not know.  I mean, I'll cut him some slack for living at home at the age of 31 but something about Frank is just creeping me out and I cannot wait for all of the tears in Tahiti.
 
 

Another one-on-one date, another micro-mini. This time, Ali and Kirk have lunch at an outdoor café. Ali voiceovers that she’s all nervous and jerky again today (what’s up with her?) So Ali, is there anything we can do to shake you out of your funk?  How about a horse-drawn carriage that comes right up to your table to take you on a romantic ride to guess what? Another castle!  They snuggle at sunset and Kirk tells her that he hasn't brought a girl home in three years.  They have a candlelit dinner outside and Kirk talks more about his horrible mold illness that changed his perspective.
 
 

The next one-on-one date goes to Chris who gets the award for having the WORST HAIR EVER!  All episode up until his date, it's massively pointy but then, they wear helmets and go on a scooter ride together and he totally has Alfalfa hair in the back. 
 

But even worse than the bad hair, Chris cannot drive a scooter.  Granted, it's his first time on any sort of motorcycle but he hilariously drives about 15 miles per hour and cannot steer straight.  Ali makes driving references about how their relationship is moving slowly and says she's getting in the driver's seat so she can take it to the next level.  She drives about 45 miles per hour and stomps all over Chris's masculinity.
 
Ali and Chris stop on the side of a road for a little sustenance and I’m sorry to have to say this but the sunlight makes poor Ali’s roots look horrible. It looks like she may have touched them up herself because there are like three completely unrelated colors going on there – dark brown, brassy gold and then yellow. ABC – it’s your job to make her look good and she’s a cute girl. Don’t let her roots look like that. Ever. Again. 
 
Back to their date – more talk about Chris’s mom but it wasn’t obnoxious. Ali says she feels his walls coming down (and guess what? THEY ARE SITTING ON A WALL! Clever, Ali!) Chris then drives them to a beautiful winery (wonder how long it took them to get there with Chris doing the driving?)
 
Back to the winery where Chris and Ali have a little meal in amongst all of the big barrels. Chris talks about what it would be like if Ali were to meet his family and then breaks out the big guns and pulls out a bracelet of some kind, telling her he wanted to wait until it was the right time to give her a gift. He scored big points with the bracelet. Future contestants, take note. You will score major points if you save any gifts for romantic winery dates just before the hometown date selections.
 
It's rose ceremony time and if you’re keeping track at home, Ali is wearing her 3rd mini of the night. This one is an interesting, white and retro-rainbow striped number. Hmm.  Chris gets the first rose and thankfully, his hair is tamed a bit but still a little out of control. I can no longer blame the helmet but instead, I’m thinking the boys stayed up late one night and cut each other’s hair. Weirdo Frank gets the next rose, followed by Roberto. Surprisingly enough, Kirk gets the last rose and Ty is given the boot. I’m not sure if that’s the way I would have gone but I’m not the Bachelorette. Well, not THIS season anyway.
 
Ty tries to get Ali to say goodbye inside rather than out in the driving rainstorm (and hello, she’s wearing a mostly white dress.) But Ali insists on going outside because she knows it will make for better TV to have her shivering out in the driveway, alone, in the pouring rain. Is this foreshadowing for Ali not making a choice at the end of the season?  Hmm.  We shall see!  Ali pouts/whines/baby talks about how sorry she is to let Ty go as Ty drives off in the toasty warm limo.
 
Part 2 - The Jake & Vienna Breakup Interview
 
And now we get to the good stuff – the Vienna & Jake interview.
 

 
Ho. Ly. Cow.


I never in a million years thought I’d say that I believed Vienna over Jake. Granted, I can’t stand Jake anymore but he came off as a pompous jerk in this interview. He was so smarmy and horrible while Vienna comes across as really immature but genuinely hurt. My boyfriend Chris Harrison's right away asks why Vienna took her story to the tabloids and she recited her script from her PR agent perfectly. She said she wanted to make sure she had a voice because she knew Jake would go to the press himself.  I totally agree with her. People magazine is a glossier, prettier, more acceptable version of the Star magazine so he shouldn't act so high and mighty.  Really, he's just stupid he didn't get any money up front (although I'm sure he thinks his interview will just lead to more acting jobs.)

Anyway, Jake then gets on his high horse and says how mad he is at Vienna and how disgusted he is with her. He sounds like a girl when he accuses Vienna of flirting with him after she sold her story. (In Jake’s book – text messages = flirting.  Good to know!)

Jake accuses her of cheating on him with some actor and then with a gay guy. I think Jake was just looking for something salacious to use in his People magazine interview and she had the reputation of being a cheater so that’s what he went with.

My boyfriend Chris Harrison asked Jake to list all of the qualities that Jake loved in Vienna when they were in St. Lucia and I actually felt bad watching Vienna listen to that list because she was fighting breaking down. Then she totally fell apart and started rambling on and on about how she couldn’t get a job. Awkward and uncomfortable.

Jake and his high and mightiness KILLS ME. He is totally playing the innocent victim here and it was just ugly. Strangely enough, Jake tries to get a word in amongst all of Vienna’s ranting and he says “Baby, be quiet.” And it wasn't in a sarcastic sort of way but in a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way.  Um, you still call her baby? Interesting.

Then there’s lots of back and forth about Vienna’s dog and how Jake paid to fly it out to California and other good stuff. Then Vienna goes over the edge and throws a fit and storms out and locks herself in the bathroom when Jake raises his voice at her, telling her to stop interrupting him.

She never comes back out so Jake gets the last word, talking about how he never had a relationship where he raised his voice.  WhatEVER, loser.  I'm done with you.

And finally, since tonight is the night of bad hairdos, my boyfriend, Chris Harrison, takes the cake with a totally flat/square hairstyle in the Jake/Vienna interview.  I think he should have gotten a haircut before filming.  
 
Next week are the long-awaited hometown dates.  I guess country boy Ty isn't the one with the taxidermist father.  Who on EARTH will it be?  I can hardly wait to find out!