Bachelorette - Men Tell All

So with all of my camp preparations, I totally fell behind in my Bachelorette watching.  In the last two days, I've watched the hometown visits show that Holly (new mom of darling baby boy Gray) recapped and then last week's Tahiti episode that Lindsey (are you STILL on vacation??) blogged about.  If you haven't already, go to their blogs immediately and catch up.  I'm heading there shortly myself.

Now, on to this week's show.  Please note that I cannot in good conscience call this blog entry a recap because hello, last night's Men Tell All show provided next to NO new information.  It was two hours of total filler and all it did for me was entice me a tiny bit into watching Bachelor Pad.  So I guess ABC can feel like their job is done.

In a nutshell, last night's show consisted of:

• a whole bunch of clips of stuff we've already seen
• Ty looking way cuter than he ever did on the show (I think it was because his sideburns are shorter)
• the guys yelling at Weatherman (who was wearing yet another ridiculous jacket) for being a putz
• Kasey singing again (but this time, it was funny rather than creepy)
• a whole bunch of shots of mostly dressed to the nines girls in the audience disgusted and/or shocked by you-fill-the bachelor's-name-in-the-blank's antics
• a commercial for the Bachelor Pad show
• a preview for next week's finale

It also included an interview with Ali where we learned:

• She should never trust her first impressions because she initially thought Justin the wrestler was a good guy when really, he's well on his way to being a serial bigamist
• Listening to Kasey sing was very awkward for her (I would have used the word painful, Ali, but that's just me)
• Ali wouldn't have kept Kirk around if he hadn't shown her his scrapbook week one.  Um, am I the only one who totally forgot about the scrapbook? 

The best part of the show was the blooper reel.  My favorites were the one where we got to see Craig the lawyer speaking Spanish to Roberto only to realize that Weatherman knew Spanish too and My Boyfriend Chris Harrison coming out to announce the rose ceremony trying to clink his spoon on a plastic champagne glass.

Other than that?  It was a total waste of time to watch and therefore, a waste of my time to recap.

Now, with that being said, I'm totally excited for the finale next week.  My prediction is still that Ali will pick no-one but if she does pick someone, I'm really hoping it's Chris.  And not just because I find him enjoyable to look at (when his hair isn't overly pointy or he isn't wearing that lame periodic elements t-shirt.)  They just seem like a better fit for long term (and I use that term VERY loosely.)  But Roberto seems like a good choice too so that's why I'm expecting her to pick neither because why on earth would she pick a good guy, right?

What's YOUR prediction???

"We don't really care about the dog."

Alternative titles for tonight's recap include:

"Hi, my name is Ali and I like to wear mini skirts"

"Hi, my name is Frank and I still live at home with my parents"
"Hi, my name is Chris and I prefer a pointy hairstyle"
"Hi, my name is Roberto and I'm mucho caliente."
"Hi, my name is Jake and I'm a pompous, controlling, self-important fool."

Oh my gosh - tonight's episode should really be two separate blogs because first we have the Bachelorette and her five Bachelors in Lisbon, Portugal and then we have the train wreck that is Jake and Vienna's "why we broke up" interview.  I'll try my hardest to keep this to a read-at-one-sitting length but I'm not making any promises.

Part 1 - The Bachelorette

My boyfriend Chris Harrison starts out by greeting the five finalists for Ali's love and telling them they'll all get a date in beautiful Portugal but there will be no roses given out on any of the dates.  Oooh!  Drama in the first minute!

Roberto gets the first date and then Ali surprises them in the boys' hotel or whatever wearing mini skirt #1. She and Roberto walk around the picturesque city with an artfully arranged bouquet of flowers in their shopping bag. They try to master the art of the jumping photo and Roberto fails miserably. They take touristy photos all over the city then dance romantically in the middle of a cobblestone street. Dancing turns into kissing in the middle of the street. These two are not lacking in chemistry.  Then they take their own personal cable car through the city and continue with more of the kissing.

We go back to the happy couple and see Ali & Roberto go to this old castle with an amazing view overlooking Lisbon. These two love to kiss. They are so stinkin' cute together. Seriously. She cannot keep her hands off of him.  They talked a little too, I think, but I only remember all of the kissing.

Next it's time for the two-on-one date with Ty and Frank.  Frank runs in for the first hug from a sweat-pants wearing Ali. And guess what?  It's time for another helicopter ride! How many helicopter rides has this girl taken??? They're off to yet another castle but this time it’s a dinner for three and it’s awkward. They start drinking to reduce the tension. Ali pulls Ty aside for the first one on one time.

Ty and Ali talk about his family. ZZZ. He says “tickles me to death” and comes across very cute. He loves that Ali has goals and ambitions (what they are, we will never know because we didn’t get to hear her say anything.)

Nervous, unconfident Frank then goes off with Ali and he has a big secret to tell her.  Is it that he works as a barista at Starbucks? No. Is it that he still has a girlfriend he’s pining for? Nope. Instead, he talks about going to Europe, giving up his condo in the city and then seguewaying into how close he and his family are. So close that…HE STILL LIVES WITH THEM!
 
HOLY COW!
 
What is this guy’s deal? He gets all emotional while telling her too. He bugs. Totally bugs. Frank says “the look in her eye, it doesn’t matter to her” that he lives at home with his parents. Frank, that look was pity. But you know what? Based on last week's total give-away scenes from the rest of the season, we know you're around for awhile yet.  Why, I do not know.  I mean, I'll cut him some slack for living at home at the age of 31 but something about Frank is just creeping me out and I cannot wait for all of the tears in Tahiti.
 
 

Another one-on-one date, another micro-mini. This time, Ali and Kirk have lunch at an outdoor café. Ali voiceovers that she’s all nervous and jerky again today (what’s up with her?) So Ali, is there anything we can do to shake you out of your funk?  How about a horse-drawn carriage that comes right up to your table to take you on a romantic ride to guess what? Another castle!  They snuggle at sunset and Kirk tells her that he hasn't brought a girl home in three years.  They have a candlelit dinner outside and Kirk talks more about his horrible mold illness that changed his perspective.
 
 

The next one-on-one date goes to Chris who gets the award for having the WORST HAIR EVER!  All episode up until his date, it's massively pointy but then, they wear helmets and go on a scooter ride together and he totally has Alfalfa hair in the back. 
 

But even worse than the bad hair, Chris cannot drive a scooter.  Granted, it's his first time on any sort of motorcycle but he hilariously drives about 15 miles per hour and cannot steer straight.  Ali makes driving references about how their relationship is moving slowly and says she's getting in the driver's seat so she can take it to the next level.  She drives about 45 miles per hour and stomps all over Chris's masculinity.
 
Ali and Chris stop on the side of a road for a little sustenance and I’m sorry to have to say this but the sunlight makes poor Ali’s roots look horrible. It looks like she may have touched them up herself because there are like three completely unrelated colors going on there – dark brown, brassy gold and then yellow. ABC – it’s your job to make her look good and she’s a cute girl. Don’t let her roots look like that. Ever. Again. 
 
Back to their date – more talk about Chris’s mom but it wasn’t obnoxious. Ali says she feels his walls coming down (and guess what? THEY ARE SITTING ON A WALL! Clever, Ali!) Chris then drives them to a beautiful winery (wonder how long it took them to get there with Chris doing the driving?)
 
Back to the winery where Chris and Ali have a little meal in amongst all of the big barrels. Chris talks about what it would be like if Ali were to meet his family and then breaks out the big guns and pulls out a bracelet of some kind, telling her he wanted to wait until it was the right time to give her a gift. He scored big points with the bracelet. Future contestants, take note. You will score major points if you save any gifts for romantic winery dates just before the hometown date selections.
 
It's rose ceremony time and if you’re keeping track at home, Ali is wearing her 3rd mini of the night. This one is an interesting, white and retro-rainbow striped number. Hmm.  Chris gets the first rose and thankfully, his hair is tamed a bit but still a little out of control. I can no longer blame the helmet but instead, I’m thinking the boys stayed up late one night and cut each other’s hair. Weirdo Frank gets the next rose, followed by Roberto. Surprisingly enough, Kirk gets the last rose and Ty is given the boot. I’m not sure if that’s the way I would have gone but I’m not the Bachelorette. Well, not THIS season anyway.
 
Ty tries to get Ali to say goodbye inside rather than out in the driving rainstorm (and hello, she’s wearing a mostly white dress.) But Ali insists on going outside because she knows it will make for better TV to have her shivering out in the driveway, alone, in the pouring rain. Is this foreshadowing for Ali not making a choice at the end of the season?  Hmm.  We shall see!  Ali pouts/whines/baby talks about how sorry she is to let Ty go as Ty drives off in the toasty warm limo.
 
Part 2 - The Jake & Vienna Breakup Interview
 
And now we get to the good stuff – the Vienna & Jake interview.
 

 
Ho. Ly. Cow.


I never in a million years thought I’d say that I believed Vienna over Jake. Granted, I can’t stand Jake anymore but he came off as a pompous jerk in this interview. He was so smarmy and horrible while Vienna comes across as really immature but genuinely hurt. My boyfriend Chris Harrison's right away asks why Vienna took her story to the tabloids and she recited her script from her PR agent perfectly. She said she wanted to make sure she had a voice because she knew Jake would go to the press himself.  I totally agree with her. People magazine is a glossier, prettier, more acceptable version of the Star magazine so he shouldn't act so high and mighty.  Really, he's just stupid he didn't get any money up front (although I'm sure he thinks his interview will just lead to more acting jobs.)

Anyway, Jake then gets on his high horse and says how mad he is at Vienna and how disgusted he is with her. He sounds like a girl when he accuses Vienna of flirting with him after she sold her story. (In Jake’s book – text messages = flirting.  Good to know!)

Jake accuses her of cheating on him with some actor and then with a gay guy. I think Jake was just looking for something salacious to use in his People magazine interview and she had the reputation of being a cheater so that’s what he went with.

My boyfriend Chris Harrison asked Jake to list all of the qualities that Jake loved in Vienna when they were in St. Lucia and I actually felt bad watching Vienna listen to that list because she was fighting breaking down. Then she totally fell apart and started rambling on and on about how she couldn’t get a job. Awkward and uncomfortable.

Jake and his high and mightiness KILLS ME. He is totally playing the innocent victim here and it was just ugly. Strangely enough, Jake tries to get a word in amongst all of Vienna’s ranting and he says “Baby, be quiet.” And it wasn't in a sarcastic sort of way but in a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way.  Um, you still call her baby? Interesting.

Then there’s lots of back and forth about Vienna’s dog and how Jake paid to fly it out to California and other good stuff. Then Vienna goes over the edge and throws a fit and storms out and locks herself in the bathroom when Jake raises his voice at her, telling her to stop interrupting him.

She never comes back out so Jake gets the last word, talking about how he never had a relationship where he raised his voice.  WhatEVER, loser.  I'm done with you.

And finally, since tonight is the night of bad hairdos, my boyfriend, Chris Harrison, takes the cake with a totally flat/square hairstyle in the Jake/Vienna interview.  I think he should have gotten a haircut before filming.  
 
Next week are the long-awaited hometown dates.  I guess country boy Ty isn't the one with the taxidermist father.  Who on EARTH will it be?  I can hardly wait to find out!

Out. Of. Control.

Before I commence with the weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth, would you please do me a solid and click here and read Lindsey's Bachelorette Recap?

Please tell me you watched this week.  Did you see Justin try to get through the shrubbery to get away from the cameras and Ali? CLASSIC! Did you see the sneakily edited "scenes from the rest of the season" at the end? Did you notice who was left out of the footage of the hometown dates? I think those evil producers are totally yanking our Roberto & Chris-loving chains. I mean, come on. How could they not make it to the hometown dates???  And Frank? Oh Frank...you're going down. If you've read People magazine, you know what I'm talking about.

Okay, now that I've got that business out of the way, let's talk about me because hello, this is my blog about me, remember?

What's out of control, you ask?  Oh, just my life.  That's all.  Nothing much.  I feel like I'm horribly behind with everything.  My job is super busy as I've been filling in for two absent people.  One is not coming back, one is on vacation and coming back tomorrow which will help my stress level immensely. 

I went to the Eclipse midnight premiere last night.  Oh and you KNOW I went to work today too (albeit a couple of hours late.)  I went with Megan and we had dinner first then went to the movie where a friend had sold an entire theater full of mostly LDS, all crazy Twilight women.  My camp buddy Meesa saved us seats, thank goodness because it was jam-packed by 9:30.  I loved the movie -- it's probably my most favorite one yet.  Edward is so dreamy.  They've figured out the whole makeup thing too and he no longer looks like he's wearing Revlon lipstick all the time.  Bella's hair looked perfect the entire time too and she didn't do that stupid woe-is-me-stuttering thing either.  This movie is way more violent -- including beheadings, be-handings and be-armings.  Ick.  But seriously.  I got like 4 1/2 hours of sleep and my eyes feel like they are filled with sand.

My callings are keeping me crazy busy too (do I sound like a broken record?  If so, I'm sorry.)  We had youth conference last weekend and it was a HUGE success.  The 145 or so youth who attended did service projects and attended seminars.  We worked with a local Catholic charity to put the service projects together.  The two coordinators from the Catholic church were at one of the yard work projects and said that they were leaving early because our youth worked really hard and were super well-behaved.  They said that normally they spend much of their time breaking up fights amongst the teenagers they work with.  These amazing teenagers painted houses, stained decks, painted fences, removed blackberries, weeded yards that hadn't been touched in decades - that sort of thing.  I spent two days being a gofer -- running errands, helping with the food, coordinating the volunteers, etc.  I was at the church 12 hours on Friday, 16 hours on Saturday.  Long days but super fun and incredibly rewarding.

Camp is in 19 days.  That's killing me.  Seriously.  How did we already get to July?  I'm so not ready.

Anywhoo...please go to Lindsey's blog and give her a little comment sugar.  I've got next week's show recap.  But between now and then, I'm going to a stake youth activity tonight, hanging out with a bunch of members of my visiting family this weekend and trying to not be freaked out by fireworks, teaching a grown-up hymn to 3-11 year olds, oh and doing stuff for camp.  Am I whining again?  Oh certainly not.  Me whine?  Never!   

Why I love Chris Harrison

If you're looking for another fabulous Bachelorette recap, go here and read Holly's take.  I am just now watching last night's show so will comment soon.

So last week, Sunny wondered in the comments why I love my boyfriend Chris Harrison so much.  Yes he's cute and all but really, it's because of his totally awesome blogs.  Go here to read (there ya go Lindsey!) 

I know we don't see much of Chris on the show so you have to read his blog to really get a feel for his personality.  He's just witty and sarcastic and I love those qualities in a TV crush.  Well, those awesome blue eyes don't hurt either.

"I came here to guard and protect her heart."

Well hello again!  I know you're probably thinking "wait a minute...it's not Jeanelle's turn to blog the fabulousness that is this season's Bachelorette is it?" And if you really were thinking all of that, you are correct!  Poor, bed-resting Holly got bad news tonight when she tried to watch the show -- her DVR did not record (BOO!) so I kindly offered to take over for her this week.

We start out tonight's show with my boyfriend, Chris Harrison telling the guys he's kicking them out of the bachelor pad and they are hitting the road, never to come back.  But they don't get stuck in some crummy RV like last season.  Oh no, they get to fly to NYC, baby!

We also have to see a shirtless Weatherman during this announcement, and he looks even more like a prepubescent teenager. How is it that he's still on this show?

Ali flew to NYC ahead of the boys (First class or ABC private jet?) and gets a makeover from my favorite style guru, Hal Rubenstein.  We find out that Ali is a jeans and a t-shirt type of girl so of course, Hal puts her in a whole bunch of dresses.  Other than that, her makeover consists of touched up roots and some makeup.  How would it be to get a makeover you don't even really need? She's so perfect now that Hal tells her she is going to be in next month's In Style magazine.

Let's get to the dates, shall we?  The first date card is read by super cute Cape Cod Chris but the first date goes to super not cute, super scary and super creepy Kasey aka Mr. Guard and Protect Your Heart. I've also realized he has no visible lips at all.  Poor lipless Kasey.

They take off on a helicopter tour of the city (Ali sure has gotten over her fear of flying, huh?)  They land so they can picnic and then the most horribly awkward, horribly tone-deaf serenade in the history of serenades takes place. Kasey sings the following to Ali:

When I was flying
In the helicopter
Over this amazing city
I looked to my left
And never saw something
So pretty

(insert an awkward, uncomfortable, "someone save me from this horrible freak" laugh from Ali)

Poor, clueless Kasey takes her laugh as encouragement and continues on...

At the eeeeehhhnnnnddd
Of tonight
I'm not just your average Joe
But I hope in my hindsight
I'll see and find a rose

Kasey finishes his painfully horrendous song with his own awkward laugh and a "yeah, that's pretty intense stuff."  Cue NYC's version of crickets - screaming seagulls, obviously writhing in pain from having to listen to that horrible "song." And yes, I rewound that like 3 times to get the words just right for you.  Yes, I will have nightmares tonight but I care THAT much about the accuracy of my recaps.

Ali somehow shakes off the stench of that song and they play Night at the Museum with flashlights and everything.  Kasey scares her and makes monkey noises and Ali squeals that she loves dinosaurs.  Sigh.  This is the worst date I've had to watch.  EVER.

Next in the date that will never end, Ali and Kasey have a romantic dinner on the filthy dirty floor of the museum. Sigh.  So dreamy.  Ali asks creepy Kasey why this relationship is different from any of his other ones and he says 'it's cuz you're Ali - you're everything I've ever wanted because you make me happy."  Um, seriously, Kasey?  And how many times can he say "guard and protect your heart" on one date?  Shut up with the "guard and protect your heart" stuff, will you?  You're killing me!  Oh but wait...it gets better.  He has more spontaneous songs to sing!

On the night that I first saw you
I was staring through black glass
And I knew right then first moment (what the heck?)
That you and I would last
On the beach in California
You made me start to believe
And now in New York City
And it's just you and me
And tonight you gotta rose
And I don't wanna feel its thorns
And if you choose me Ali
I'll forever beeeeee yours

You know that soap opera move when the guy puts one finger on the lips of the girl so she'll stop talking?  Why didn't Ali do that to Creepy Kasey to make him quit singing?  Why, Ali?  You watched All My Children in college, didn't you?  You know the move I'm talking about!  Break out the shut up finger move next time that freak of nature starts spontaneous singing.  Please.  Do it for me. I beg of you.  Please.

Ali shows that she has a brain in her head and doesn't give Kasey a rose but then she inexplicably keeps him around.  What the WHAT?  Ali!   You had your chance to get rid of him but instead you let him stay???  Why, Ali?  WHY???

Next a whole bunch of the guys go to whatever theater the Lion King is playing in and they have to dance and sing to get an evening with Ali. Most of them are pretty sad dancers although we know Roberto has some moves.  Next we move to singing and suprisingly, small town boy Jesse is quite fabulous as a singer.  Like really really good.  Despite that fact, Roberto is the chosen one and they are going to be in that night's performance of Lion King!! 

Roberto and Ali put on a loin cloth and leotard, respectively and get pulled up over the stage on a wire and do some sort of low rent Cirque moves while hanging over the stage.  We then get to listen to Weatherman whine and complain about how the only reason he didn't get chosen for the "date" was because he didn't make eye contact with Ali when he sang.  Yeah, keep telling yourself that. That's gotta be the ONLY reason.

At the afterparty, Ali lets the boys know she won't be giving out a rose tonight because she's so sick and doesn't have much alone time with any of the guys, with the exception of Frank and Kirk.  Kirk takes poor little Ali up to her room to tuck her in.  (And did you notice the cool purple pillows on Ali's bed?  Loved them!)  Kirk is a gentleman and kisses Ali on her cheek, blows out the candles and leaves.

Cape Cod Chris has the other one-on-one date but rather than go out, he brings her chicken soup and flowers because sickly Ali sounds like a 3 pack a day smoker when she talks.

They talk about Chris's mom and family again.  Ali then has a miraculous recovery and they go out because it's Chris' birthday and they have lobster and surprisingly, talk more about Chris's mom again.  (At the risk of sounding heartless, I appreciate the sentiment and stuff but they had better give him more than just the "my mom died" angle.)  Then they call Chris's dad, which was cute.  Chris gets a rose. Not a big surprise at all. Their date finishes off with a rooftop concert by Joshua Radin, who doesn't sing the only song of his I know.

Cut to the boys apartment and guess WHAT?  Creepy Kasey.  Is.  MISSING!  Could he possibly have left the show for good?  Maybe he ran off with a gazelle from Lion King?  Alas, no such luck.  Instead he's going to get a tattoo.  It's a rose (duh!) and a shield with eleven stones (one for each of the last eleven guys!!) protecting a heart (because he has told Ali a jillion times he will guard and protect her heart, in case you've forgotten!) on the inside of his wrist.  Creepy, lipless Kasey just got even CREEPIER.  Who DOES stuff like that?  He gets back to the apartment and lies to the boys that he burned his wrist on the stove. 

At the rose ceremony cocktail party, Weatherman breaks out a guitar and serenades Ali.  Will this madness EVER END?  I must interrupt this recap to offer up some free, unsolicited advice to men everywhere. 

Boys, please.  Do not serenade girls if you cannot carry a tune.  Please!  Only do stuff you're good at, okay? Girls will like you MUCH more if you don't make them feel like running away when you do stuff you stink at.  Like singing off-key.  Trust me.  I speak the truth.

Okay, back to the show (yes, we're almost done.)  Justin the Wrestler confronts Creepy Kasey about lying about the fake burn.  Kasey owns up to the fact that he got a tattoo and shows it to the guys, explaining all of the stuff about the stones (one for each one of us, guys!) and the heart-guarding (zzzzzz.) 

Kasey and Ali then have some alone time and he says the surefire way to get over a cold is to have a bag of your favorite candy, which he then presents to her.  She says to the camera "oh how nice that Kasey did something low key and not over the top for once."  (Someone had to write that line for her!) The producers next make it look like Kasey is THISCLOSE to showing Ali the tattoo but instead they either bribe or push Frank into the room at the exact moment when Kasey was going to reveal the stupid tattoo to Ali.  Curses, foiled again, says Kasey and  naturally, he doesn't show her the tattoo.

Finally, it's time to hand out the roses.  Hi Chris Harrison.  You're dreamy.

Chris L. smirks because he already has a rose and Ali then gives roses to Kirk

Frank

Craig the lawyer

and this guy:

His name is Chris N, in case you were wondering.  I know I was wondering.  Hey, Chris N!  Who the heck are you?  Did you even speak on this episode? 

Roberto, Justin the Wrestler, and ruffle shirt/country singer Ty get the next three roses.  My boyfriend Chris Harrison comes back out to announce the final rose.  Creepy Kasey, Weatherman and Small Town Hottie Jesse all look nervous.  Ali's final rose goes to...

CREEPY KASEY! 

Um, Ali?  Do you still have a fever? Why else would you give that scary guy a rose?  I mean, you didn't HAVE to give him one.  You could have told my boyfriend Chris Harrison that you wanted to pull a move a la Jason from last season and not give out that last rose!  Sigh.

Okay, next week?  More guarding and heart protecting comments are surely in our future but not from NYC.  Oh no!  They are flying to that hot spot for all things romantic:  ICELAND!  I'm not sure yet if it's going to be Holly or Lindsey doing the recapping next week but we'll tell you where to go fo' sho'!  Peace out!

Looking for a Bachelorette recap?

Go to Lindsey's blog and read her fabulously hilarious take on last night's episode. I will be commenting soon! It was SO good.

"You can't be serious with someone who's shorter than you."

Well, hi there...happy Memorial Day.  In case you were wondering, I personally had a fabulous day today and it's been capped off by a simply fantastic episode of The Bachelorette tonight.  If you're here visiting from Holly or Lindsey's blogs, welcome!  I'm so happy to be blogging this episode because guess what?  It's only week two and the drama has ALREADY begun, people!

Before we get to said drama, can I just say how much I enjoy Ali so far?  Yes, I know it's still early but I love her laugh, her signature yellow outfits and her pulled back bangs.  I almost want to grow my own bangs out so I can pull them back like she does.

We start out tonight's show with an appearance by my boyfriend Chris Harrison who is there to explain the happs of this first round...two one-on-one dates and one group date.  Guys on the one-on-one dates MIGHT NOT GET A ROSE!  But even worse, some guys won't even GET a date.  See?  I told you!  Drama already and we're only three minutes in!

First one-on-one date goes to Frank, the quirky, bespectacled, wannabe screenwriter who is really a "retail manager" (um, what do you think?  Does he work at Starbucks or Kinkos?) 

They take off in a really cool, old Cadillac which promptly breaks down so they walk off the freeway to a waiting taxi (convenient, no?)  They hike down to the Hollywood sign and later the Cadillac miraculously recovers from its breakdown and it becomes the base for a nighttime picnic overlooking the lights of LA.  Red velvet cupcakes are eaten, kissing ensues and Frank gets a rose.

Next is the group date with a whole bunch of guys I don't care enough about to list.  They go to Malibu to shoot a beefcake calendar for some sort of charity and most of them have to wear really terrible swimsuits. Jonathan, the Houston weatherman, is in this group. 

He whines and complains far too long about having to wear a black speedo.  He finally mans up and puts it on but then promptly puts an inflatable water toy around his waist to cover up.  This would be endearing if he wasn't such a total dork.  Why do I know so early on that he's a dork?  Because he tells us he has the best personality of anyone in the house.  Um, yeah. If you have to tell people you have the best personality, you really don't have the best personality and you're just a dork.

Ty, aka THE GUY WHO WAS ONCE MARRIED (said in all caps because this show makes such a huge deal about the fact that he's divorced) is in medical sales but a quick Google search proves that he's also a country singer. 

When Ty pulls out a guitar and sings what sounds like an original song to Ali on the beach, I couldn't help but think of this loser:

Ty, do us all a favor and put away the guitar, permanently. I don't want to have to start referring to you as Wes2.

After the beach, the group heads out to some sort of cocktail party and this is where the fun with Weatherman Jonathan really begins.  He shows up wearing an awesome white jacket -- I wish I could convey the awesomeness but if you didn't watch, you totally missed out.  Big haired Craig M. makes fun of his jacket and shoots menacing looks at Jonathan all night. 

Jonathan and Craig M. obviously hate each other because Craig M. only calls him Weatherman and makes fun of him the whole time. (Have I mentioned how much I hate bullies?) 

We then find out that Weatherman Jonathan is a brown belt in some sort of martial arts (I like to think it's kah-rah-tay and that Jonathan pronounces it just that way.)  He then tells us that he will wax on/wax off/paint the fence all over big haired bully Craig M. if he's not careful.  During his private time with Ali, Weatherman Jonathan painfully and awkwardly compliments her then starts tattling on evil, dangerous big haired bully Craig M.  Country singing GUY WHO WAS ONCE MARRIED Ty eventually gets the rose on this date.

The next one-on-one date is with 24 year old, tattooed, small-town-boy Jesse (who earlier in the show was mocked and belittled because of both his age and tattoos by big haired bully Craig.  Let's all hate Craig together, shall we?) 

Jesse is just the cutest with his perfectly sculpted hair and his small-town-edness.  They go to Vegas by way of private plane & Ferrari and he gets a rose too.

We finally get to the pre-rose-ceremony cocktail party and Ali has time with two of my personal favorites, Chris L.:

and Roberto:

Cape Cod Chris & Ali bond by talking about how much he loves his family and Ali and former pro baseball player Roberto bond over playing catch in the courtyard.  

We then get to probably the BEST one-on-one time ever in the history of this show -- Ali and big haired bully Craig M.  He is obviously not one bit into her and she calls him on it, which I loved.  He is also pretty much drunk and incapable of speaking in complete sentences. Ali mercifully ends the time with him quickly and he goes right back in and confronts the Weatherman, accusing him of being the one who talked smack about him to Ali.  Weatherman stammers and tries to evade everything Craig throws at him (which isn't much because hello, he's totally drunk.)

Weatherman later says in an interview that if Craig M. gets a rose, he will know there is no God.  Well, Weatherman?  God totally exists because Craig M. gets no love and no rose from Ali tonight!  Weatherman DOES get a rose so we are in for more snappy clothes and witty repartee next week.  YES!

Other roseless guys were Tyler V. (who was obviously eliminated because he appeared to have gotten a flat iron burn on his forehead while getting ready for the party tonight) and Chris H. (who didn't even warrant a final interview, let alone any screen time this week.  I only know his name because I looked it up on wikipedia!  Poor Chris H.)

Big haired bully Craig M. is the originator of the awesome quote I used as my recap title.  Thanks for a great episode, Craig M.  Here's hoping you got your wish for attention from hot babes on the flight home.  (I'm personally predicting it was a 50-something cougar rocking a tube top, leopard pants and gold kitten heels.  Rawr.)

Lindsey's got the recap next week.  Make sure you check it out!