Well, hi there...happy Memorial Day. In case you were wondering, I personally had a fabulous day today and it's been capped off by a simply fantastic episode of The Bachelorette tonight. If you're here visiting from Holly or Lindsey's blogs, welcome! I'm so happy to be blogging this episode because guess what? It's only week two and the drama has ALREADY begun, people!
Before we get to said drama, can I just say how much I enjoy Ali so far? Yes, I know it's still early but I love her laugh, her signature yellow outfits and her pulled back bangs. I almost want to grow my own bangs out so I can pull them back like she does.
We start out tonight's show with an appearance by my boyfriend Chris Harrison who is there to explain the happs of this first round...two one-on-one dates and one group date. Guys on the one-on-one dates MIGHT NOT GET A ROSE! But even worse, some guys won't even GET a date. See? I told you! Drama already and we're only three minutes in!
First one-on-one date goes to Frank, the quirky, bespectacled, wannabe screenwriter who is really a "retail manager" (um, what do you think? Does he work at Starbucks or Kinkos?)
They take off in a really cool, old Cadillac which promptly breaks down so they walk off the freeway to a waiting taxi (convenient, no?) They hike down to the Hollywood sign and later the Cadillac miraculously recovers from its breakdown and it becomes the base for a nighttime picnic overlooking the lights of LA. Red velvet cupcakes are eaten, kissing ensues and Frank gets a rose.
Next is the group date with a whole bunch of guys I don't care enough about to list. They go to Malibu to shoot a beefcake calendar for some sort of charity and most of them have to wear really terrible swimsuits. Jonathan, the Houston weatherman, is in this group.
He whines and complains far too long about having to wear a black speedo. He finally mans up and puts it on but then promptly puts an inflatable water toy around his waist to cover up. This would be endearing if he wasn't such a total dork. Why do I know so early on that he's a dork? Because he tells us he has the best personality of anyone in the house. Um, yeah. If you have to tell people you have the best personality, you really don't have the best personality and you're just a dork.
Ty, aka THE GUY WHO WAS ONCE MARRIED (said in all caps because this show makes such a huge deal about the fact that he's divorced) is in medical sales but a quick Google search proves that he's also a country singer.
When Ty pulls out a guitar and sings what sounds like an original song to Ali on the beach, I couldn't help but think of this loser:
Ty, do us all a favor and put away the guitar, permanently. I don't want to have to start referring to you as Wes2.
After the beach, the group heads out to some sort of cocktail party and this is where the fun with Weatherman Jonathan really begins. He shows up wearing an awesome white jacket -- I wish I could convey the awesomeness but if you didn't watch, you totally missed out. Big haired Craig M. makes fun of his jacket and shoots menacing looks at Jonathan all night.
Jonathan and Craig M. obviously hate each other because Craig M. only calls him Weatherman and makes fun of him the whole time. (Have I mentioned how much I hate bullies?)
We then find out that Weatherman Jonathan is a brown belt in some sort of martial arts (I like to think it's kah-rah-tay and that Jonathan pronounces it just that way.) He then tells us that he will wax on/wax off/paint the fence all over big haired bully Craig M. if he's not careful. During his private time with Ali, Weatherman Jonathan painfully and awkwardly compliments her then starts tattling on evil, dangerous big haired bully Craig M. Country singing GUY WHO WAS ONCE MARRIED Ty eventually gets the rose on this date.
The next one-on-one date is with 24 year old, tattooed, small-town-boy Jesse (who earlier in the show was mocked and belittled because of both his age and tattoos by big haired bully Craig. Let's all hate Craig together, shall we?)
Jesse is just the cutest with his perfectly sculpted hair and his small-town-edness. They go to Vegas by way of private plane & Ferrari and he gets a rose too.
We finally get to the pre-rose-ceremony cocktail party and Ali has time with two of my personal favorites, Chris L.:
and Roberto:
Cape Cod Chris & Ali bond by talking about how much he loves his family and Ali and former pro baseball player Roberto bond over playing catch in the courtyard.
We then get to probably the BEST one-on-one time ever in the history of this show -- Ali and big haired bully Craig M. He is obviously not one bit into her and she calls him on it, which I loved. He is also pretty much drunk and incapable of speaking in complete sentences. Ali mercifully ends the time with him quickly and he goes right back in and confronts the Weatherman, accusing him of being the one who talked smack about him to Ali. Weatherman stammers and tries to evade everything Craig throws at him (which isn't much because hello, he's totally drunk.)
Weatherman later says in an interview that if Craig M. gets a rose, he will know there is no God. Well, Weatherman? God totally exists because Craig M. gets no love and no rose from Ali tonight! Weatherman DOES get a rose so we are in for more snappy clothes and witty repartee next week. YES!
Other roseless guys were Tyler V. (who was obviously eliminated because he appeared to have gotten a flat iron burn on his forehead while getting ready for the party tonight) and Chris H. (who didn't even warrant a final interview, let alone any screen time this week. I only know his name because I looked it up on wikipedia! Poor Chris H.)
Big haired bully Craig M. is the originator of the awesome quote I used as my recap title. Thanks for a great episode, Craig M. Here's hoping you got your wish for attention from hot babes on the flight home. (I'm personally predicting it was a 50-something cougar rocking a tube top, leopard pants and gold kitten heels. Rawr.)
Lindsey's got the recap next week. Make sure you check it out!
10 comments:
My guess for Frank is STARBUCKS! (I can't believe you didn't google that! What is wronge with you!?)
And I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he makes her a cappuccino later with a cream heart in it. I bet he is good at that.
Oh the white coat. Serious. As much as I hated Craig M. (Biggest pompous a$$ on the plantet) the weather man really started to grate on me. REALLY. Between his squeaky complaints and tattletale ways, I just couldn't take his wimpyness any more and wanted him to go home as bad as I wanted Craig M. to got home. And Ali calling Craig out was classic because he couldn't even come up with a, "No! I REALLY LIKE YOU!" and his comment about the ladies on the way home? Ew.
Love the flat iron burn comment. Hilarious. And Jesse? Was it just me, or was that date seriously painful. I mean really, he isn't bringing much to the table except for a bunch of beefcake and "that's awesome". He needs to go too.
But, one comment (okay, one is not enough) about Ali. If she would have jumped around Frank's waste one more time I was gonna spew. And really, what was with Frank's couple day growth look, which was just really making him look like a schlup, and not a manly man? He looked like a hobo and like he needed to take a shower! 2nd day growth just DOESN'T WORK ON HIM as bad as he wants it to. (Hello whole show. SHAVE MAN!)
Oh, and Ali's shoes at the rose ceremony made her look like she had feet that were seriously 2 inches long and all I could think about was the lady on SNL with the baby hands.
That's all I got.
But the white jacket. The white jacket was so painful. Serious. The guy is seriously trying to compensate. *ahem*.
Oh my goodness -- I don't even watch this show, but I had a GREAT time reading your awesome writing...you made it all so interesting!
Jeanelle!! Oh my heck! Best recap ever. Seriously, this week was classic. The white jacket... sick. But then Craig actually WEARING it and being a total bully (I'm so glad you called him that because that's what I was thinking the whole time) just made it that much worse. I hate Craig M. I'm so glad he's gone. What a LOSER!! And his comment about needing ladies on the plane ride home? Ick!
The weatherman is a total dweeb. I'm glad he outlasted Craig just so he could one-up him, but seriously, he reeks of dorkiness, but at least he's nice. Not a jerk like Craig was. But we all know the weatherman is going to be next on our list... either that or Kasey who seriously has the most annoying voice on the planet.
Love how you linked mormon.org. And I laughed my head off when you mentioned the hair straightener burn. I was like, "Is that a zit or a burn?" SO. SO. FUNNY.
I like Ali's laugh too. It's cute. And I love that she called Craig M. out.
Lindsey's comment is great.
I might have to come back and comment more when I can think of more to say. It was a GREAT episode. I'm heading over to my blog and linking you right now...
Vicarious tv. I love it. I've said that already, but I do.
Ok... I gotta leave my 2 cents. Didn't anyone pick up on the fact that Ali told Jonathon that he could tell her anything and she wouldn't say a word? Then when Craig M and her have alone time at the cocktail party, she totally sold out Jonathon by telling Craig that someone said he was dangerous... I really liked Ali until she did that. She shouldn't have gone back on her word. Don't get me wrong, I completely and utterly hate Craig M because he is a bully, and I am so glad she listened to Jonathon, but Ali really shouldn't have sold him out like that... it only led up to further embarrassment, speaking of which, Craig made me hate him even more when he pulled everyone together and singled Jonathon out. If he knew that Jonathon had told Ali that he was dangerous, why didn't he just pull him aside and ask him in private? It just goes to show you what a low-life he really is and that he has to embarrass someone else in order to make himself look better (at least he in his own eyes).
1) I agree with Lindsey, I think Frank works for Starbucks. Trying to figure if I've actually heard that along the way or it just fits? Anyway, my vote is for a latte-brewin', green apron-wearin' retail manager. Bet he even hosts "open-mic" nights.
2) The whole Craig / Weatherman debacle was ANNOYING! Yes, I hate Craig just as much as you and I'm glad he's gone but Weatherman Jonathon totally reminded me of whiny Ali vs. Vienna last season. Let it go people! You've known these guys and Ali for what? Like 15 minutes? Stop focusing on how wrong for Ali everyone else is and focus on how right you are!
3) I thought Jesse's date with Ali was cute, albeit a little awkward. He just seemed really shy and nervous and I think if he calms down a bit, he'll go far.
4) I don't think Justin is all that bad, he seems nice and genuine to me and I liked how he kept at it while they were tromping all over kingdom come at the photo shoot and wasn't sulky or whiny. That was kind of a crappy date to bring him on, if you ask me.
5) Did anyone notice at the end right before Ali supposedly gives Jonathon the last rose, that they flashed on him and he already had one? Good editing job here, folks!
Oh my. I love everything you trio have said. This show is great...I can hardly stand the suspense to come. WHO HAS A GIRLFRIEND? please not Roberto. he's hot. I am loving every ounce of entertainment...great recap! Hilarious.
LOL - Here from Holly's blog, loving your recap! I am no longer depressed that Holly isn't recapping every episode, if this is the kind of quality I can look forward to. (But Holly, in case you read this, you are still #1 in my heart!)
I absolutely cannot STAND Ali's laugh. Something about it grates on my nerves... *shiver* Fortunately, there is all kind of The Dramaz in the show to make up for it. I will stay tuned, faithfully.
Oh yeah, and Roberto? He's mine. Rawr.
Natalie, I couldn't figure out how to email you so hopefully you are getting comment updates. I do agree with you that Ali shouldn't have said anything to Craig. She figured out quickly that he wasn't the least bit interested in her so what was the point of breaking Weatherman's confidence after promising not to? Kind of a dumb move. Why do you think Craig was even there - to try and get a modeling contract?
Krysta, I think he DOES work at Starbucks. I googled him again (surprised you didn't!) and that's where he works/worked. I am quite pleased with myself for guessing correctly! lol
Part of the "Holly Posse" here...love the recap! Good riddance to Craig M.! Wasn't he one of the worst people in history?? I was in shock. Go Roberto!
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