It is done. See ya, Jake & Vienna!

Thank heavens this season of The Bachelor is FINALLY over. Here are my random thoughts after watching last night's finale:

• I say things incorrectly all the time. I am certainly not perfect. HOWEVER, I could hardly stand listening to "sister-in-laws" over and over. I wish the producers would have told Jake's mom the correct way to say it.
• Watching Jake's family when they first met Vienna was beyond painful. Who else thinks Jake pulled his family aside off-camera and told them Vienna was his choice because there is NO way they could so quickly change their collective minds about her. I mean, Jake's mom visibly hated her and you don't get over that in an hour-long meeting.
• I laughed when Vienna invited Jake back to her room for "dessert and cheese and crackers." I'm guessing it was twinkies, chicken in a biscuit crackers and spray cheese. Yummy.
• Okay, Jake. You had to tell Tenley you weren't the least bit attracted to her physically right after you tell her "emotionally you captivated me." How did you become so unlikeable and insincere? Jake so lucked out that Tenley is probably the sweetest and most forgiving girl on the planet. Imagine if the situation had been reversed? Vienna would have gone all sorts of crazy had she been in Tenley's position. Sigh. Now THAT would have been awesome TV.
• It's hard to see from this picture but when Vienna was looking at herself in the mirror prior to the final rose ceremony, I imagined her thinking "I can't believe I found these earrings at Claire's on sale 3 for $10." They were horrible and cheap looking.
  
  
• I always wonder why the girls are willing to face the Bachelor again on TV after the the final rose. Who wants that sort of public pain? I don't get it.
• I couldn't find a good picture but so many times watching last night, I thought Tenley strongly resembled a less-endowed Mariah Carey. Mostly her profile, I think. Anyone else see it???
• I can't decide what Vienna has done to herself after seeing her on After the Rose. Is it just weight loss? I'm thinking so. And she looked like she had no eyelashes or mascara on and her eyes just looked weird and baggy (that could also be from weight loss.) Wait! As I'm re-watching it now, I'm wondering if she had botox or Restylane. I know she's young so she should have smooth skin but her forehead looks sort of unnaturally taut. And Vienna, you cannot go without mascara. Trust me, I know stuff. The natural look is not your friend.

Okay, I will close by saying Jake and Vienna obviously seem to both think the other is amazingly awesome and that's great. I mean seriously, I would love to have that for myself. But, still, I give it six months. I'm sure Vienna is hoping for a Jason/Molly style wedding next year but I really don't see that happening.

I'm glad we have two months off so I can forget the frustration before we have Ali the Bachelorette this May. You know that despite all of my complaining, I'm still gonna watch.

I know, I know. It's a sickness.

The end is near...the Bachelor recap

Thoughts I had after watching "The Women Tell All" special last night:

1. Even though it was nice they were doing charity work, the past contestants just seem sad. Shouldn't they maybe move on from this whole Bachelor thing instead of just getting drunk and making out with each other?

2. I still find Matt Grant extremely yummy.

3. I like Gia a lot more after watching her segment of the show last night, especially when she spoke up to Rozlyn.

4. Poor Michelle. How sad to not have a clue at all.

5. I like Ali better than before. She just seemed genuine and honest. I even believed the stuff she said about Vienna (still don't like Vienna but I think Ali was being truthful.)

6. Oh my GOSH. I cannot stand Rozlyn. First of all, do NOT insult my boyfriend, Chris Harrison! What the heck? Why do you treat him like he's gum on the bottom of your shoe? You are not better than him so quit trying to act like you are. And did you love how my boyfriend Chris Harrison was so obviously trying to check his temper and not haul off and hit her during her segments? And what in the heck was that crack about my boyfriend Chris Harrison hitting on the fired producer's wife? Why? Where on earth did that come from? I love how she totally rehearsed all of her snappy one-liners. Poor, angry, deluded Rozlyn. She's a horrible liar and I cannot believe she dropped the whole "on my child's life..." to try and prove she was telling the truth. I'm guessing she doesn't get invited to the next Bachelor reunion/charity event.

7. It's too bad Valishia didn't get more air time and that she's isn't the next Bachelorette. She's got a nice girl/good head on her shoulders vibe.

8. Jason & Molly's wedding is gonna get huge ratings. Why? It's on the night after the Oscars. Imagine how many ads they are going to run on Oscar night. My eyes are rolling into the back of my head.

9. Jake's "heart was crying" when he said goodbye to Gia? Holy cow. That line made me laugh. And when my boyfriend Chris Harrison asked Jake if he was happy with his decision, Jake did not answer that question like a man who is blissfully, head over heels in love. Hmmm. Next week is gonna be GOOD!

10. I loved the bloopers. My boyfriend Chris Harrison can't really sing and those girls were pretty dang funny. Instead of a two hour women tell all show next time, just show us more bloopers, okay?

Bye, bye, bye Gia

Lindsey and Holly have mad Bachelor watching skillz. They are way better at this than I am. Why? Because they don't have unrealistic expectations when it comes to this stuff. I on the other hand always have unrealistic expectations. ALWAYS. So even though everything about this show is irritating me, I made a commitment to you, my six readers, to finish out this season and I'm gonna do it.

But first, please tell me you all read last week's US Weekly? Lots of good Bachelor trash in there.

Okay, here's what I thought about while watching this week's show:

1. Gia was too quiet to be a contestant/finalist on this show and I'm still surprised she lasted as long as she did. You need a personality besides just a hot body to be on this show and I'm surprised nobody told her that beforehand.

2. Vienna's hair weave is quite possibly the ugliest thing I've seen in awhile (well, next to Shaun White's scary girl hair on the Olympics. Shaun, you are amazing but that is so not a good look. At. All.) Sorry. Back to the show. The way Vienna had her hair pulled back this week was awful and all it did was emphasize that her hair is not all hers. Why can't people be happy with short hair? Short hair is cute. Bad weaves are not cute.

3. Why oh why did they show Jake talking to Vienna about what kind of ring she would want? I'm guessing he talked to Tenley and Gia about rings too. I mean, the producers probably told him to talk to all three of them about rings. Unless of course it really IS going to be Vienna for the win. (Perish the thought.)

4. I like Jake less and less every week. Yes he is nice eye candy but he has that whole Brad Womack/stilted/bad acting way of talking. I can hardly stand to listen to the scripted stuff that comes out of his mouth.

5. I'd love to go to St. Lucia. Mmmm pretty.

6. Jake dancing like a white guy in the street with Gia? Horrible. I'm scarred for life after watching that.

7. Licking? We had to see Vienna & Jake licking each other? Gross. She is just yucky. There is nothing about her that's NOT yucky. The weave, the horrible makeup, the tattoo, the stupid teenaged girl ruffled bikini. Nothing.

8. I still like Tenley but her voice is challenging to listen to so that's why I'm thinking it'll be Ali for the Bachelorette. That and the fact that Ali = snotty/snippy drama whereas Tenley seems to be sweet as sugar. We know sweet and nice does not equal good TV, right?

Next week is the girls tell all episode which means they'll have all sorts of made up stuff to prove Rozlyn really was messing around with the producer AND more crazy Michelle stuff. That should be totally awesome!

Jake the Bachelor - this show KILLS me!

Why does stuff like this happen on this ridiculously stupid show? And by stuff, I mean, totally scripted cry-fests like the one we were forced to watch by Ali tonight.

Have I mentioned here that The Bachelor has six story editors listed in the credits each week? Oh they totally do. And you know what? Those six story editors outdid themselves this week by creating a fake reason to inject a little more drama into the season.

Ali came to Jake and said she had to decide between keeping her job or staying there with Jake. He basically told her she was getting a rose but she still left.

What kind of job does she have? And how long have they even been in that house, anyway? Two or three months? Unless she totally lied to her employer or works in a 3 person office, I'm thinking she would have been able to get a leave from work to be on a big-time TV show. Maybe I see things differently since I work for a ginormous company and we can basically go on leave for anything. But truly, the whole thing just didn't ring true to me. The previews show her calling him next week while they're in fabulous St. Lucia (as Vanessa called it, pulling an "Ed" a la the Jillian the Bachelorette season.)

Other "highlights" from tonight's snoozefest of an episode:

1. Vienna making out with Jake and being caught by her dad. CHEESE. Vienna is just gross.
2. I can't tell you even one thing that happened on Gia's home visit. Wait, there was a boat. And it was in New York. That's all I've got.
3. Tenley's ultra-emotional family was the most normal. Jake also asked her dad if he could propose to her (if the time comes and all...and I am guessing he asked everyone's dad** the same dang question but they only showed us the one time.) And really, you know what this means. Tenley doesn't stand a chance. I mean, why tip their hand like that??? Stupid show.

Okay, in a nutshell? This show bugs.

** Apparently I missed the part where he asked Ali's mom if he could propose. Hey, if you want a perfect recap, go to Holly's blog instead. ;)

My Open Letter to Jake the Bachelor

Dear Jake,

You're probably wondering how I'm feeling after watching last night's episode. If you must know, I'm sort of stunned. Seriously. There are really no words. Well, except these: what on earth do you see in Vienna? Okay, blonde extensions, implants and a WHOLE lot of makeup, for sure but seriously, what else? What am I missing? It must be something great because seriously, I see nothing besides physical attraction between you two.

Don't you think it's strange that nobody else likes her? There has to be something to that, you know. Not that you should always take everyone else's opinions as the truth but where there's smoke, there is usually fire. And come on - she can't even fake cry very well! I've also done some checking online since you are probably unable to google her at this point and of course, she's done some topless modeling. Nice, huh? She doesn't seem like someone you would want to bring home to meet your mother.

Anyway, I hope you know what you're doing by keeping her around this long, Personally, I'm scared to watch the rest of these episodes. If you wanted some free advice from someone who's been there, I'm sure Chris Harrison could put you in touch with a few past Bachelors who went strictly on chemistry (Matt Grant comes to mind...and not just because I still love him.)

Good luck to you...seriously, you are going to need it.

Random questions -- Jake the Bachelor Recap

A half hearted list of questions this week...this episode didn't grab me and I actually fell asleep before it ended.

1. A road trip? Jake in a tent? Seriously? My friend Kevin wonders if they wanted to cut the budget a bit this time. Have I mentioned that one of my dream vacations is to take an RV and just drive somewhere? I would love it. I would not however love to be in an RV with any of these women.

2. Who else doesn't believe Jake drove from place to place on his motorcyle?

3. Can Vienna be more annoying? She is so obnoxious and it seemed like she was getting on Jake's last nerve even though he still gave her a rose. Hopefully she's out next week.

4. Can Tenley be any cuter? Even though part of me still thinks he's not going to choose a girl at the end, I can totally see him choosing her.

5. Was the one-on-one time between Ashleigh and Jake the most uncomfortable thing ever? I'm still feeling creeped out by that AND the yucky furniture they were sitting on in that inn.

6. How many yellow dresses does Ali have? Or is she wearing the same one over and over?

7. Do they ever talk about their lives, their families, their hopes and dreams during their one-on-one times? It seems like all they do is tattle about Vienna and kiss.

8. Is it just me or is this season flying by? I can't believe they are down to 5 already. I loved how hardcore Jake was this week. Cutting women out left and right! Roses in the fire! Calling for Chris Harrison! That's a man who takes charge, I tell ya.

The previews looked good for next week. Can't wait!

Bachelor Jake Recap - more letters

I know it's redundant but I have more to say to these Bachelor people...thus, more letters this week!

Dear Producers,
Is it really necessary to choose dates that cause the people who go on them such pain? Know what else? Watching them is not that fun for the viewer either. More cool airplane ride/classic car/70s rock band dates please.

Dear Michelle,
I'm glad you think you're so attractive and how that makes you the total opposite of Vienna. How about next reality show you're on, just say "I'm pretty, she's ugly" and I'll respect you a lot more. Oh and when you have to say "I'm not desperate?" It actually means you totally are. And finally, I may not date as much as you so I'm probably guessing here but I think it's probably not a good idea to tell guys you've known for two weeks "I really, really, really want a husband." Michelle, I know it's TV and there's editing involved but you sure came off like a psycho nutjob on this show. Like I said last week, please consider therapy. I'm hoping you get your crazy reined in before you start giving your mom some grandbabies. Just my two cents...

Dear Ella,
I'm totally jealous you got to go to Sea World but what were you wearing on that date? A tunic as a dress and slouchy boots? Not your cutest outfit. I know you're only 29 but seriously, you look and act 10 years older than Jake (and I know it has nothing to do with the fact that you're a mom.) I'd love to help with your makeover so call me!

Elizabeth, Elizabeth, Elizabeth...
Admit it. You ARE a tease. Sorry but you might need to talk to a counselor too...maybe someone will offer a bachelor reject group rate. I'd love to see you get that whole kiss me/don't kiss me thing figured out for next time, okay?

Dear Jake,
You really like Vienna that much?

Seriously? No really. SERIOUSLY???

Dear everyone else,
Lose the wenchy, whiny, pouty faces. And I know it's hard but just stop griping to Jake about the girls you don't like. It makes you look ugly and we don't like watching ugly people. We're all about the pretty here. Plus it made that horribly painful to watch stand up "comedy" date probably the worst segment of this show I've ever had to sit through.

Here's hoping next week is more fun to watch!

xoxo
Jeanelle

Letters from me (Jake the Bachelor week 2 edition)

Before I share a series of letters I would write to people on the Bachelor, let it be stated for the record that I had not one bite of candy today. NOT ONE! That is a major accomplishment because where I work, there is candy everywhere.

Thank you in advance for your praise and adoration.
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Dear Jake,
You quite possibly could not have been any hotter than you were in tonight's episode. From your sweet way of calming the nervous Christina down during the photo shoot to your preflight safety check (hubba hubba!), you totally and completely floated my boat tonight.
Love,
me

Dear Christina,
I wanted to like you because you seem real and normal. I like that in a bachelorette. But then you had to ruin your chance for a rose by getting stupid-drunk. Hope you figure things out and consider going to a meeting or something. It surely couldn't hurt.
Your non-drinking friend who knows everything,
J.

Dear Ali,
Could you have gotten a more perfect one-on-one date? Could you BE even cuter??? (Say it like Chandler Bing, people!) You are my new #1. Please don't turn into a sleazy jerk, 'k?
Love ya,
me

Dear Elizabeth,
You are beautiful and you seem really sweet. I want to like you even more because of the whole "I'm not kissing you until I'm the only one you will kiss" thing. But then you have to be a tease and tell Jake you know he wants to kiss you while getting all close to him. It's a fine line, sweetie...don't cross it.
From someone who wants you to do well,
J.

Dear Rozlyn,
So you couldn't hold off and only make out (or whatever) with just one guy for a few weeks? Seriously?!? Oooh, I have an idea. You should see if you could be the next Bachelorette because then you could make out with lots of guys at once. That might be a perfect next step for you!
Good luck!
J.

Dear Michelle,
You are so sad. We all know you can't win so please do something awful next week so I don't have to watch you on this show anymore.
Thanks a bunch!
J.

Dear pretty much every other girl on the show,
Why don't I even remember any of you from last week? Were you even ON the show last week?
Try to not be so boring!
me

Dear Chris Harrison,
I so totally heart you. You're cute, a good husband and father and you choked up telling Rozlyn she was leaving. You're cool and I love your blogs on ew.com and hope everyone reads them.
xoxoxo
Jeanelle

The Bachelor - Jake

If I was a great blogger rather than a lazy blogger, I'd add pictures. But I am what I am so what you're getting are my random thoughts from watching tonight's premiere:

• Jake has a really great smile
• Did they truly play a Muzak version of "On the Wings of Love?" I know it's the show's subtitle but seriously? It brought me back to the Office episode when they had the bird funeral and Dwight played that song on his recorder.
• Um, he obviously prefers very well-endowed ladies. Yikes.
• Vienna wins my vote for best crazy eyed contestant
• Elizabeth the nanny with the football? Stunningly beautiful.
• Kristina who brought in the jelly beans? Tacky and rude but I liked her more as the night went on.
• Channy's comment she translated from Cambodian? Sick and so unnecessary. So glad she didn't make it.
• Oh my gosh - crazy Michelle? Freakazoid. I want to be your copilot in the end? Gag. Every reality show needs a whack job, I guess.

Oh the scenes for the upcoming season are SO good. A contestant has an affair with someone working on show? Someone has been married and has kids and nobody knows? Jake walks out of an interview? Jake cries? Is the final show in Hawaii? Wherever it is, it's beautiful and I can't wait to see what happens!

I think Elizabeth was my favorite with Ali a close second. They both seemed "real." Jury is still out on Tenley the crying/kissing girl who got the first impression rose.

Holly is going to blog her own recap and hers will be MUCH better than mine, I'm sure! Go read her blog on Tuesday...but wait, don't forget to enter my giveaway if you haven't already!