What I Like

I was asked recently what I saw in my beloved Robert Downey Jr because while yes, he’s totally hot, he’s also not the typical Hollywood looking guy. He has that certain je ne sais quoi that’s hard to describe (yes I took three years of French…be very impressed.)

But it got me thinking as to what I find attractive in men. I know girls who make lists of very detailed things they desire in a man and I’ve never really done that. However, there are qualities I find adorable and attractive and they include the following:

A testimony all his own
This is pretty much a given but still needs to be said and needs to be said first. I want someone who is firm in his testimony and convictions, someone who wants to go to church every week, someone who is worthy to marry me in the temple and who will willingly use his Priesthood authority.

Personality
People, it’s all about the personality for me. I don’t care if you’re pretty or scary looking. Truly, I do not. I care most about whether you have a thought in your head, if we can make conversation and whether or not we can make each other laugh. Confidence, not cockiness, is also attractive to me. It’s a fine line between the two and hard to describe and explain but I know it when I see it.

Kindness and goodness
In one of my favorite movies, "Waitress," one of the characters says “you are the queen of kindness and goodness.”

I find kindness and goodness to be extremely attractive qualities in a man. I love people who are inherently good…people who serve willingly, people who smile at others, people who do randomly nice things for others. Yes, you can still be rascally, obnoxious and yes, by all means, please be imperfect but always be kind and respectful to me and especially to others like food service employees, my mother, older people and little kids.

Just listen
Another one of my favorite lines from "Waitress" says “And then I was addicted, baby. I was addicted to saying things and having them matter to someone.” (If you haven’t seen it, it’s a really good movie about an imperfect girl who finds her way through her challenging life.)

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that I really love when my voice is being heard. I of course, love listening to others and I love trying to help those I care about with their problems but every so often, I want to feel like someone is there to listen to me too.  My love for being heard doesn’t mean I need to be out front, on stage, in charge, the loudest in the room, etc. although that can be fun at times too. But I just want to find someone who cares about what I think, who remembers the stuff I tell him about things that are important to me, who asks me how my day was and then asks me questions about what I just said.

That kind of sounds like a lot when I list it out but it’s also pretty basic, human interaction stuff. Really, what it all boils down to is me wanting to matter to someone. That’s totally normal, right?

Well, or if this guy ever became single and showed up at my door, I probably wouldn't mind that either.

 

 Okay I didn't just write this post simply so that I could share pictures of RDJr.  But, you're welcome.

Needy

I've been feeling "off" all week.  I'm totally putting on a (mostly) happy face for the world around me but I've finally figured out that I'm feeling needy.

I kind of hate the word "needy."

When you're a most-of-the-time satisfied singleton like me, you are independent, you don't need anyone to do anything for you, you can take care of yourself, thank you very much, etc.

But this week...for whatever reason, I just...NEED.

I need someone to go to lunch with me like this cute girl did on Monday.

I need to not have to go alone to a spouses-included BBQ for the stake youth leaders I serve with (but I did and it was mostly fine.)

I need someone to bring me a Slurpee like this wonderful and so-in tune-it-scared-me-a-bit girl did on Thursday.

I need someone who will make an effort to talk to me first when I'm feeling awkward and dorky in a crowd.

I need someone to invite me to spend the 4th of July with their family, like these awesome people did.  And to top it all off, they didn't make me feel like a third wheel and the amazing husband told me I should plan on spending all holidays with them since he knew holidays are hard for me. (Yes I had to walk away when he said it so he wouldn't see me fighting back the tears.)

I need someone to call me or text me just because they are thinking of me and not because I called or texted first.

And if that makes me needy, well, so be it.

Thankful

I'm thankful for the sunshine.

I'm thankful for stake conference.

I'm thankful for this fun little surprise that was waiting for me when I came out of the Saturday night session of stake conference (I'll blog more about this later this week.)

Hey, there's my head!

I'm thankful for the cute family who sat with me at Stake Conference today.

I'm thankful for goodly men who serve as my home teachers and who willingly gave me a Priesthood blessing when I started crying during their visit today.

I'm thankful for the sweet words of the blessing reminding me how much I am loved by my Heavenly Father and that He knows my tender little heart.

I'm thankful for the encouragement and reminder that I should continue to love and serve others while I wait for the blessings that will eventually come (just, please...before I'm 80...is that too much to ask?)

Most Excellent

Tonight I had the great pleasure to attend a Young Women in Excellence night for one of the wards in my stake.  It came at the end of an especially trying day at work which was followed by an afternoon of dance festival meetings at two opposite ends of town, a 15 minute stop with Meesa for a quick dinner and then a drive through rain and traffic to yet another opposite (lol) end of town.  So basically, my day was kind of, well, it was pretty much a stinky day.

I arrived at the church and walked into the room where the special event was to be held and was immediately greeted by a chorus of "Sister Shaw! Sister Shaw" from the girls.  (Seriously, how great is it to be me?  Trust me.  It's really great.)  The program began and after the opening prayer, we stood and said the Young Women theme.  The Holy Ghost bore witness to me so powerfully that the things we were saying were true.

We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us and we love Him.

We will stand as witnesses of God 

at all times, and in all things, and in all places

as we strive to live the Young Women Values, which are:

Faith

Divine Nature

Individual Worth

Knowledge

Choice and Accountability

Good Works

Integrity and

Virtue

We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values,

we will be prepared to strengthen home and family

make and keep sacred covenants,

receive the ordinances of the temple,

and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.

Three of the young women then took turns talking about important activities they had participated in this year:  Young Women Camp, Pioneer Trek and various service projects.  At some point, I leaned over to Meg who is in the stake YW presidency with me and said, "we have the best callings!" and she agreed.

The girls then sang "My Grateful Spirit Sings" which was one of the songs we sang in our recent youth musical.  I could no longer hold back the tears as I looked at each one of their beautiful faces and thought "I love each one of these girls."  I'd had a feeling like that once before, many years ago, when I was a newly called ward YW counselor, wondering if I'd ever be able to love all of the girls in my stewardship.  I'm grateful that even though my group of young women is much larger now, I have been blessed by my Heavenly Father with the capacity to love each one of them completely and unconditionally.

The young women each then took a turn describing a personal progress value project they had completed or were still working on.  Three or four of them mentioned our recent musical and what an impact it had on their lives.  I love that our stake programs, while sometimes challenging and often time consuming, provide faith-promoting and testimony building experiences for our youth.  The church is so great!

I'm so grateful for the blessings I receive because of my church service.  I'm thankful every day that I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I know that I'm a daughter of God and that He loves me.  I know that Jesus Christ is my brother and that He died for my sins.  I know the Bible and the Book of Mormon are the word of God.  I know that we have a living prophet on the earth today and he is Thomas S. Monson.

Sweet is the peace the gospel brings...every minute of every day.

Where's the dream for me?

Have I told you I'm going to Disneyland?  For the first time ever?  Yep.  I'm going.  Today.  In about four hours, in fact.  I'm beyond excited.  I was still awake at 2:30 AM (yes I'm a child) and then awake at 7:30, ready to go.  I'm going with two dear friends I met at work 23 years ago, Michelle and DeAnne.  I can't wait to walk into the park for the very first time, to see our fancy hotel, to have breakfast with some princesses and more and more.

While I was packing/cleaning, I found a notebook with notes from past Sunday talks, general conferences, etc. I found the notes from a talk Sister Julie Beck gave when she visited my area in January 2009.  I blogged about it here.  

I don't want to rehash everything I already blogged about but as I paged through my notebook, the following things popped out at me:

The Lord did not promise us "the dream" in this life. He promised us an experience and some are harder than others.  It's okay to still want "the dream" but if you don't have it, acknowledge the hurt and go on.

This world does not believe in families.

Magnify the gifts we have instead of wishing what we don't have.

Write down miracles that happen.

Try to get back that feeling we had when we were three years old and we were the most important, beautiful and "all that" girl in the world whenever we walked into a room.

Don't underestimate my power to receive personal revelation.

Where's "the dream" for me? How do you get "the dream?"  Have an experience.  Sometimes they're pleasant...sometimes they're not.  

I needed to find that notebook today.  I needed to be reminded of the things I mentioned above. I love how Heavenly Father works.  He knows.  He always knows.  

I really do love my life.  Despite the glaring omissions, it's pretty dang good to be me.  

And, hello!  I'm going to Disneyland!

Camp 2011

I'm so behind...gah. 

Young Women Camp was amazing, as it always is.  It was an interesting experience this year in that I wasn't the leader over the 2nd year Youth Camp Leaders but instead, I'm in the Stake YW presidency.

Stake YW Presidency: Mel, Lisa, and Karla

I was also the pseudo-camp secretary because the previous one got a new calling a few months ago.  So in addition to doing my stake stuff, I also did stuff like collecting receipts, getting the camp booklets printed, took the headcount each night AND I had to be the camp photographer.

YW camp director, Meesa

Can I share something with you?

I almost despised being camp photographer.  Why? 

Ohhhh, lots of reasons.  (Tell me SOMEONE said that like Savannah in "Savannah Smiles." Please?)

Reason number one:  I prefer to take pictures when I want to, not because I have to. 

Anytime I was in the middle of doing a million other things, someone would call me on the walkie talkie and say, "Jeanelle, come get a photo of this!" Then I'd have to drop everything and run to take a picture of the sun coming through the trees and then try to remember what I was doing before I got pulled away. My brain just doesn't work like a real photographer's.  And that's okay...

Not a terrible nature shot - go figure.

Reason number two: I'm kind of a crummy photographer.  Case in point: this photo of one of the levels.  Notice my friend Lisa off to the right?  Yeah, I probably shouldn't have had her in the photo since she wasn't in that level.  Especially since this is the picture that each girl and leader in that level got to take home with them to help them remember their wonderful year at camp.  Instead they are probably saying, "Why is Sister Clement in our ding dang picture?"

2nd level campers with an extra.  So embarrassing.

Reason number three:  I like taking pictures of people I know and love or of people whose parents I know and love.  It's actually hard to take pictures of people you don't know well or don't know at all.  You think "did I get a picture of her already?"  Or you feel guilty for taking the millionth picture of the Robinsons because you know and love them so much.

My other family: Becca, Steve & Emily

But want to know what I loved about camp this year?

1. I loved meeting this girl.



BFFs

 Sharon was our craft lady and besides having a PhD in crafts, she was super fun and we clicked right away.  Love.  Her.  (even though I'm old enough to be her, ugh, MOTHER.) We also established the first ever gum wall at camp (uh, YEAH we did!)  It was a hit.  (Hopefully some of you have seen the Seattle gum wall...)
 

Oh and I have to post this blurry photo because it makes me laugh every time...Sharon and I were going to pose like this, belly to belly, in our stake photo but chickened out. Oh how I loved laughing with her, Melanie, Lisa and everyone else in the stake level that week.  Camp completely fills my bucket every year.

2. I loved being a Stake person instead of being in charge of a level. 

Mel, Mindy, Elizabeth and Quinae - we all shot guns!

Don't get me wrong - the last four years were the best ever and I would go back to doing that job in a heartbeat but this year was a nice change.  I loved that I had time to actually talk to people. 

darling Leah

I loved that I had time to get to know girls in all of the levels.  I loved that I had a TON less stress. I also loved being able to just LOVE the 2nd YCLs instead of telling them what to do all the time. So nice!

Lindsey, Jenn & Paige

I also REALLY loved wearing wings (we were fairy godmothers.) And seriously? I think I'd like to incorporate this particular hairstyle a bit more in my every day life. 

the stake board on our way to the polar bear dip

3. I loved doing something that pulled me out of my comfort zone.  I can't go into details about it because it's kind of a secret thing and I know there are camp girls who read my blog...but I was grateful to be asked to do something that was difficult for me.  I had an amazing spiritual experience because of it and I will be forever grateful for that "stretch."

4. I loved bonding with this simply beautiful girl. 

Lovely Lilly

I mentioned her here in my trek blog but Lilly and I made a soul-to-soul connection at camp.  We frequently would look at each other and just start crying.  I know with everything that I am that she and I were supposed to meet on trek and we were supposed to be at camp together. I'm so grateful she came to camp - she had such a great experience being a 2nd YCL and she was so good for the younger girls.  I'm so grateful to Heavenly Father for putting special girls like Lilly in my life.  I love getting that taste of being a mom during that week at camp...I'm so blessed.

Be still my soul

I've basically cried my way through the last two Sundays.  You'd think I'd be happier on Sundays because a. I don't have a "Sunday" calling so I get to visit and learn every week and I love that and b. church is now at 1 PM so that means I get one day a week to be lazy in the mornings (my idea of heaven.)  But no, I go to church and I cry, cry, cry. I try to hide it but today I had to go outside and take the long way to my car because I didn't want everyone to see me all weepy.  I've decided there are two main reasons why:

1. I'm feeling very empathetic lately.  Whether it's the family who has been having major financial struggles or the father whose son was murdered or the mom whose only son is coming home from his mission, I'm a weepy mess when I hear them share their feelings or see them cry. 

2. Church is the one of the few places where I am smacked in the face with what I don't have. If you know me at all, I try hard to stay happy and positive and grateful but lately whenever I'm at church, I just feel sad.  I know it's silly and selfish and I need to knock it off (and I will) but ugh.  Looking around at all of the couples and families just makes me ache.  Every talk, every lesson, every announcement (i.e. come to ward temple night - it's a great date night!) is a reminder of what is missing from my life.  I know I'll snap out of this and I know these feelings are temporary (it's the dreaded January funk, people.)  And I know I'll be okay. Again.

Today during the Sacrament I read and reread part of a talk by Elder Holland, "This do in remembrance of me." If you need some help focusing on the Savior during the Sacrament, start reading at the paragraph that begins "If remembering is the principal task before us, what might come to our memory when those plain and precious emblems are offered to us?" I highly recommend printing that section of this talk and tucking it into your scriptures.  One of my favorite teachers shared this years ago and I read it nearly every Sunday - it's a big help when your mind is wandering or you're feeling sorry for youself this January like someone else I know.  Hmmm...who on earth could that be???

Full heart

Here's why:

I went to the temple yesterday morning with dear friends, carrying my darling new bag given to me by my bosom friend, Kim.  (My bag is super cute - black and white damask. My old one was about 15 years old and in dire need of replacing.)

I spent the day yesterday celebrating the marriage of a girl I adore to her cute husband.  Anna was a beautiful bride and she and Zach were just so happy the entire day. The reception was beautiful too. Tricia, the mom and my baking buddy, did an amazing job creating a winter wonderland at the church.  Three huge trees in the center of the cultural hall.  Touches of pink, silver and white everywhere.  Just beautiful!

I sat with Anna's darling sister Adrian at the luncheon and loved catching up with her and her equally cute husband, Aaron.  To top it all off, Robert was there too.  I love that family! It was a perfect day.

Today I taught Relief Society.  It's so not something I'm comfortable doing but I made it through.  I'm so grateful for the women who speak up and help fill the time.  I worried I would run out of material but thankfully it all worked out okay.

I felt inspired to do something for someone I love today and I'm so glad I did it.  She was grateful and so am I for inspiration and the means to help those who need it.

One of my former young women is home from a semester in Jerusalem and told me that she wrote my name on a piece of paper and placed it in the Wailing (Western) wall while she was there.  It was all I could do to not cry when she told me. 

I'm so blessed.  I'll try not to forget next time I'm feeling sorry for myself.  Really!

You are where you belong.

I struggle in my calling.

There, I said it. 

I have yet to feel completely comfortable as my stake's secretary to the young women presidency, even though I've been in this position for six months.  There are a lot of reasons why but mainly I often wonder why I'm serving where I am. 

I am a highly skilled invitation maker, paper cutter user, email sender, minutes taker, and thank you card sender.  And let's be honest, I do a lot of those same type of things as my actual paying job. 

But I frequently wonder why I'm in this calling where I'm often reminded that I'm not the same as the other presidency members and in my own pity-filled mind, less than everyone else.

I've gone back and forth wondering if it's a pride thing and I really don't think it is (completely -- because let's be honest, pride is always a factor, people.)  But I don't need to be in charge.  I don't need to be front and center.  I don't need to lead.  I don't need to be the decision maker.  Yes, every calling is important.  I know this one is too.  I just want to feel like what I do really matters.  I felt like my work mattered when I was teaching music to the Primary children.  I knew I made a difference when I was assistant camp director.  But this?  I'm not there yet.

We had our monthly marathon (3 hours) committee meeting last night and I could not leave fast enough when it was finally over.  Why?  I was plainly told again that my role is not the same level as the other ladies in my presidency and I left feeling inferior to everyone else.  I know the guys who said it had no idea that they were hurting my tender little feelings.  But I'm an ultra sensitive girl (aka I cry a lot) and I left feeling crushed.

My friend Lisa saw the slight too and called me on her way home but I couldn't answer through my tears.  We texted back and forth and she told me things I know are true: we are all equal members of this presidency, your opinions are valued, the Lord put you in this position to be a voice, not to just take notes etc.

I know what she was saying was true but I still cried a lot last night.  Then I got an email notifying me that someone had written on my Facebook wall.

It was the cute girl pictured above.  (Now, that picture is several years old but I love this pic so much I had to put it on my blog.  It was crazy hair night at YW camp 2005. You should have seen her on stage trying to win. I wish I had it on video.  She WORKED it.)

Anyway, that cute girl had done the whole "like this post and I will give you a truth" status update on FB.  I've ignored all of them until today and clicked "like" to her post and went to my meeting.  At 11:10 last night, she posted this on my wall:

you are such a great example and strength to me. you are always serving others and putting their needs before your own. you are where you belong. without your influence and love my girls would not be thriving as they are today. including me. you are so strong and loved. i know that you will be greatly blessed for your amazing spirit and kindness to others. love you lots shawshawshaw :D

(Note: she doesn't have daughters -- I think "my girls" means the other girls in her age group.)
 
But I read that and instantly thought "Lisa told her what to write."  But Lisa saw it too and was as amazed as I was that this sweet girl could be so in tune that she said the exact things Heavenly Father wanted me to hear.  I hadn't even started praying - I was too busy crying.  But He knows my heart and sent me my own little message, through this darling daughter of God.
 
I'm not miraculously cured.  My heart  is still quite tender and I still don't know how to find that balance of being a vocal presidency member when in the minds of some, I'm not as important as the rest.  But, there is one thing I know for sure:
 
I am where I belong.

Just call me Veruca

Why, you ask? At the risk of sounding whiny or being pitied, I'm feeling Veruca-ish lately because I want more than what I have right now. I'm not talking about "things" like Veruca. I have lots of things (and let's be real, way too many things.) What I want is bigger and better than a golden goose or an oompa loompa.

I want to feel hopeful that I'll marry someday.

I want to shake the little black rain cloud that's been permanently parked over my head the past month.

I want to come home to someone, not an empty house.

I want a nice guy to love me and I want to love him back.

I want to know why in the pre-existence I said "yes" to this life of singleness.

I want to again appreciate the wonderful things in my life instead of just focusing on what's missing.

I know I'm important.
I know I'm special.
I know I'm loved.

But I want more. And like Veruca, I want it now.

(Except I don't want any comments -- just throw a prayer or two my way when you think about it.)

Thankful, emotional and everything in between.

Mother's Day is always just weird for me. I decided today that I never really got emotional about it until I worked in the Young Women organization and got a little taste of what it means to be a mother (it was much easier being oblivious, let me tell you.) I had to fight tears a lot today and I know it's selfish, self-absorbed and stupid. I know it - you don't have to tell me it's not all about me because I know it isn't. But I hate that I feel sad on a day like today -- a day that celebrates women.

I disliked feeling like there was a spotlight shining brightly on me each time anyone mentioned women without children of their own but who are still mothers to many (aka, me.) It's a really sweet sentiment and it's comforting but it's also a bit of a heartbreaker too. To keep from crying, I got out my notebook and just took notes all through a truly marvelous Sacrament meeting. One thing I was reminded of today: Eve was called the mother of all living before she even had children. I loved hearing that.

Besides feeling emotional today, I feel thankful knowing that my parents decided to adopt me nearly 42 years ago. I feel thankful that two teenagers knew enough to give me up for adoption so that I could be raised in a family who wanted me and could give me brothers and sisters and a really great life. I feel thankful that the family who chose me was an LDS family...I can't even imagine my life any other way. I have no interest or desire to learn more about them but I hope at least on Mother's Day, the woman who gave me away feels peace in her decision because she made the right one.

I was blessed with a wonderful mother who is fun, kind and giving. My flower pots are filled because she knows it makes me happy to have flowers by my door when I come home from work and she knows I really don't like getting my hands dirty. She is really smart and knows so much about the scriptures. She'll print a verse out on a 3x5 card and bring it with her on her walk (she's walked 2-3 miles a day for the last 30 years) and she'll memorize it. She's the hardest worker I know too. She is always doing something. She lives on 2/3 of an acre and she mows her lawn herself (none of that ride on lawn mower stuff for her either.) Oh and did I mention she's 70? I love my mom -- she is truly a gift.