We start out tonight's show with my boyfriend, Chris Harrison telling the guys he's kicking them out of the bachelor pad and they are hitting the road, never to come back. But they don't get stuck in some crummy RV like last season. Oh no, they get to fly to NYC, baby!
We also have to see a shirtless Weatherman during this announcement, and he looks even more like a prepubescent teenager. How is it that he's still on this show?
Ali flew to NYC ahead of the boys (First class or ABC private jet?) and gets a makeover from my favorite style guru, Hal Rubenstein. We find out that Ali is a jeans and a t-shirt type of girl so of course, Hal puts her in a whole bunch of dresses. Other than that, her makeover consists of touched up roots and some makeup. How would it be to get a makeover you don't even really need? She's so perfect now that Hal tells her she is going to be in next month's In Style magazine.
Let's get to the dates, shall we? The first date card is read by super cute Cape Cod Chris but the first date goes to super not cute, super scary and super creepy Kasey aka Mr. Guard and Protect Your Heart. I've also realized he has no visible lips at all. Poor lipless Kasey.
When I was flying
In the helicopter
Over this amazing city
I looked to my left
And never saw something
So pretty
(insert an awkward, uncomfortable, "someone save me from this horrible freak" laugh from Ali)
Poor, clueless Kasey takes her laugh as encouragement and continues on...
At the eeeeehhhnnnnddd
Of tonight
I'm not just your average Joe
But I hope in my hindsight
I'll see and find a rose
Kasey finishes his painfully horrendous song with his own awkward laugh and a "yeah, that's pretty intense stuff." Cue NYC's version of crickets - screaming seagulls, obviously writhing in pain from having to listen to that horrible "song." And yes, I rewound that like 3 times to get the words just right for you. Yes, I will have nightmares tonight but I care THAT much about the accuracy of my recaps.
Ali somehow shakes off the stench of that song and they play Night at the Museum with flashlights and everything. Kasey scares her and makes monkey noises and Ali squeals that she loves dinosaurs. Sigh. This is the worst date I've had to watch. EVER.
Next in the date that will never end, Ali and Kasey have a romantic dinner on the filthy dirty floor of the museum. Sigh. So dreamy. Ali asks creepy Kasey why this relationship is different from any of his other ones and he says 'it's cuz you're Ali - you're everything I've ever wanted because you make me happy." Um, seriously, Kasey? And how many times can he say "guard and protect your heart" on one date? Shut up with the "guard and protect your heart" stuff, will you? You're killing me! Oh but wait...it gets better. He has more spontaneous songs to sing!
On the night that I first saw you
I was staring through black glass
And I knew right then first moment (what the heck?)
That you and I would last
On the beach in California
You made me start to believe
And now in New York City
And it's just you and me
And tonight you gotta rose
And I don't wanna feel its thorns
And if you choose me Ali
I'll forever beeeeee yours
You know that soap opera move when the guy puts one finger on the lips of the girl so she'll stop talking? Why didn't Ali do that to Creepy Kasey to make him quit singing? Why, Ali? You watched All My Children in college, didn't you? You know the move I'm talking about! Break out the shut up finger move next time that freak of nature starts spontaneous singing. Please. Do it for me. I beg of you. Please.
Ali shows that she has a brain in her head and doesn't give Kasey a rose but then she inexplicably keeps him around. What the WHAT? Ali! You had your chance to get rid of him but instead you let him stay??? Why, Ali? WHY???
Next a whole bunch of the guys go to whatever theater the Lion King is playing in and they have to dance and sing to get an evening with Ali. Most of them are pretty sad dancers although we know Roberto has some moves. Next we move to singing and suprisingly, small town boy Jesse is quite fabulous as a singer. Like really really good. Despite that fact, Roberto is the chosen one and they are going to be in that night's performance of Lion King!!
At the afterparty, Ali lets the boys know she won't be giving out a rose tonight because she's so sick and doesn't have much alone time with any of the guys, with the exception of Frank and Kirk. Kirk takes poor little Ali up to her room to tuck her in. (And did you notice the cool purple pillows on Ali's bed? Loved them!) Kirk is a gentleman and kisses Ali on her cheek, blows out the candles and leaves.
Cape Cod Chris has the other one-on-one date but rather than go out, he brings her chicken soup and flowers because sickly Ali sounds like a 3 pack a day smoker when she talks.
Cut to the boys apartment and guess WHAT? Creepy Kasey. Is. MISSING! Could he possibly have left the show for good? Maybe he ran off with a gazelle from Lion King? Alas, no such luck. Instead he's going to get a tattoo. It's a rose (duh!) and a shield with eleven stones (one for each of the last eleven guys!!) protecting a heart (because he has told Ali a jillion times he will guard and protect her heart, in case you've forgotten!) on the inside of his wrist. Creepy, lipless Kasey just got even CREEPIER. Who DOES stuff like that? He gets back to the apartment and lies to the boys that he burned his wrist on the stove.
At the rose ceremony cocktail party, Weatherman breaks out a guitar and serenades Ali. Will this madness EVER END? I must interrupt this recap to offer up some free, unsolicited advice to men everywhere.
Boys, please. Do not serenade girls if you cannot carry a tune. Please! Only do stuff you're good at, okay? Girls will like you MUCH more if you don't make them feel like running away when you do stuff you stink at. Like singing off-key. Trust me. I speak the truth.
Okay, back to the show (yes, we're almost done.) Justin the Wrestler confronts Creepy Kasey about lying about the fake burn. Kasey owns up to the fact that he got a tattoo and shows it to the guys, explaining all of the stuff about the stones (one for each one of us, guys!) and the heart-guarding (zzzzzz.)
Kasey and Ali then have some alone time and he says the surefire way to get over a cold is to have a bag of your favorite candy, which he then presents to her. She says to the camera "oh how nice that Kasey did something low key and not over the top for once." (Someone had to write that line for her!) The producers next make it look like Kasey is THISCLOSE to showing Ali the tattoo but instead they either bribe or push Frank into the room at the exact moment when Kasey was going to reveal the stupid tattoo to Ali. Curses, foiled again, says Kasey and naturally, he doesn't show her the tattoo.
Finally, it's time to hand out the roses. Hi Chris Harrison. You're dreamy.
Chris L. smirks because he already has a rose and Ali then gives roses to Kirk
Roberto, Justin the Wrestler, and ruffle shirt/country singer Ty get the next three roses. My boyfriend Chris Harrison comes back out to announce the final rose. Creepy Kasey, Weatherman and Small Town Hottie Jesse all look nervous. Ali's final rose goes to...
CREEPY KASEY!
Um, Ali? Do you still have a fever? Why else would you give that scary guy a rose? I mean, you didn't HAVE to give him one. You could have told my boyfriend Chris Harrison that you wanted to pull a move a la Jason from last season and not give out that last rose! Sigh.
Okay, next week? More guarding and heart protecting comments are surely in our future but not from NYC. Oh no! They are flying to that hot spot for all things romantic: ICELAND! I'm not sure yet if it's going to be Holly or Lindsey doing the recapping next week but we'll tell you where to go fo' sho'! Peace out!
12 comments:
So funny! Get rid of Kasey!!! I don't even watch this show (still read the recaps though :D) and I've had enough of him.
What an awesome recap. I want to watch it again just to laugh at the things you point out. I do have to admit that I liked watching the Lion King parts, only because it's Broadway and the Lion King.
This almost makes me want to watch. Almost.
Serious. So bad. Kasey is just ick. And the bachelorette crew gives him every oportunity to look HORRIBLE! But seriously, did he read a book on how to woo a woman and then memorize the lines? I think Ali is hoping for a little too much that his "real" side will come out. Um, Ali? That IS his real side! And it is just as awkward as it looks.
I love that he said "all the guys loved my tatoo and thought it was an AWESOME idea." Sucker. Duh!
I could go on and on, I really could, but since it is your blog week, I won't. But great job on the pinch hit!
Ps- the editing was HORRIBLE this show! When they have him pausing right before Frank walks up (ps-have you read the spoilers yet?) and there is some awkward pause? Well, Ali is sitting their nodding her head and TALKING! They just totally edit her out so it looks like there is a silent pause. Nice job guys. At least you could have cut her out of the frame!
Should I make another commetn? No? okay.
Hello! I've moseyed (mosied sp???)on over here, from Holly's blog and can I just tell ya... love the Bachelorette/Bachelor recaps!
One word, my friend: AWESOME
You took the words right out my mouth!
Thanks for filling in for bed-ridden Holly!
I hope I never meet Kasey ... I've met enough people like him to last three lifetimes.
I loved when one of the guys said Kasey is going to be known as the Bachelorette Tattoo Guy (or whatever) for the rest of his life. LOL! Too creepy.
I miss the Weatherman already. :(
But really, Chris Harrison? *shrug*
AWESOME recap!!! I still get chills thinking about Kasey singing, and NOT in a good way. Blech. I really can't wait until he shows Ali the tattoo, that should be fantastic.
I'm sad Jesse went home and wonder how in the HECK Chris N. is still around? I think he did speak once, very briefly this episode, but I am wondering if he's ever spoken TO Ali??
Can't wait until next week!
Okay. Who in the HECK is Chris N? Not only has he never spoken, but he also seems dull, dull, dull. I'm sorry, but you can just tell. I know that Jesse has no personality either, but at least he has some cute facial expressions and he can sing. But Chris N? Was he even ON the Lion King date? Weird!
For the record, I was sad that my boyfriend Roberto was off-key and slightly tone deaf. Luckily he redeemed himself when he put on that loin cloth. And was it just me or did Ali's loin cloth number look hideous. That outfit did her NO favors.
Frank is becoming obsessive and he gets WILD EYES every time he talks about Ali. I think he's only normal when he's WITH her.
And you're right. The Weatherman really does look like a pubescent teenager. I think I even heard his voice start to change in and out of octaves. And whoa... a REALLY, REALLY bad singer.
I still like Chris L. A LOT, but I hear you on the 'my mom died' card. He needs to give us more or I'm bailing on him.
CANNOT believe she kept freakazoid Kasey around. Not only does he have a horrible speaking voice, but you combine that with horrific singing and rhyming and we have a REAL. PROBLEM. IT was all I could do to watch. I had to cover my eyes because of type two embarrassment. And you're right... no lips. MAJOR turn off.
I seriously am not as good at these recaps as you and Lindsey. You guys ROCK. Thanks for filling in for me this week. I'll be on top of things next week. I promise.
Post a Comment