Whiny yet grateful

I counted up the hours I will have spent this week on church calling related meetings and activities and wondered if you'd like to hear the number?  

Prepare yourself. 

22 hours.  

This includes meetings, a New Beginnings, Ward Conferences, a YCL retreat/party, preparing messages for three of those events (I'm giving four different talks/messages this month - it was going to be five but I offloaded one, thankfully.)  This number doesn't include the number of emails, phone calls and texts that were related to my calling (hundreds of email - I am not exaggerating.)  

I'm not complaining.  I really wouldn't have it any other way.  I would be really sad to not be serving the youth of my stake but it's just a little crazy right now.  I am feeling incredibly blessed and inspired as I prepare my talks.  I'm healthy.  I'm getting some sleep (I think I got 10 hours last night - first time in forEVER.) So for the most part, things are okay.

However, I've had a couple of stressful things happen this month - heartbreaking things that have shook me to my core, pretty much.  I've cried a lot.  I've worried a lot.  I've prayed a lot.  I've questioned myself and my decisions.  I've felt completely and utterly alone, at times.

But I really think the reason I haven't curled up into the fetal position and taken to my bed is because of three things...my job, my friends and my calling.  I have been able to go to work each day and concentrate on other things for several hours which has helped a ton.  I have some solid-as-a-rock friends who are there for me consistently and completely.  Friends who invite me to dinner and email me and call me and listen to me whine about my sadness and confusion.  Then I have a calling that brings me such joy, I find it hard to express just exactly how much.

I guess I just want to blog today about gratitude.  Even though another year has begun with me still wanting, I'm grateful that overall, I'm happy and fulfilled.  I'm grateful for my faith and my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I have a good life, a fun life and a life that is filled with love and happiness.  Really, what more could a girl ask for?

Okay a girl could ask for a couple of pictures in a blog once in awhile...here are some random happy things from the holidays:

The Robinson's gave me a Kindle Paperwhite - I wept.

Me and my seester in Mom's pantry

The J's: Jana, Jaylene & Jenilee

My adorable soon to be a missionary in Ecuador niece Dolly

me and the Allen girls

Roberto as a horse

My  mom and Soph

Matt the photo bomb at Natalie's baptism

I wish...

I wish my makeup would miraculously remove itself every night

I wish I was one of those people who aired her grievances and solved all of her problems via social media (okay, only once in awhile...)

I wish my clothes would never get dirty, thus resulting in my never needing to do laundry

I wish I was in England right now just doing anything or nothing with my BFF

I wish I was one of those people who jumped right out of bed when the alarm went off

I wish it wasn't so painful walking into my evening relief society meeting alone, wondering who would sit with me

I wish I would put away my shoes at night instead of leaving them to pile up inside my front door

I wish the frosting on my mint brownies would set up so I could go to bed.

I wish the radio stations would stop playing "Christmas Shoes" once and for all

I wish I could write what I really wish for without sounding whiny and ungrateful

I wish everyone's Christmas wishes would come true

I wish...frosting's done. I'm going to bed!

Who am I?

I'm the girl who can never say no to bread.

I'm the one who cares entirely too much if people like me or not.

I'm the girl who can watch "Pride and Prejudice" lit'rally (say it just like that) every single night as I'm falling asleep.

I'm the dork who says "that was funny" whenever something is, you know, funny.

I'm the aunt who really loves her nieces and nephews.

I'm the girl who uses lipstick as lip balm (gets kind of expensive.)

I'm the one who adds a splash of Cherry Coke to her Diet Coke (thanks to my friend Anne for the awesome idea.)

I'm perfectly happy driving with the heat on full blast for miles.

I'm the person you can call to go with you for your patriarchal blessing (thank you SO much for asking me, Nikki!)

I'm the girl who still hopes desperately that her lifetime will contain some version of the ideal.

I'm that friend who would love to bake you your favorite treat for your birthday.

I'm the person who hates bananas with a passion.

I'm the queen of procrastination.

I'm the kind of person who can't just sit and watch television without doing at least one other thing.

I'm the girl who likes to schedule everything.

I'm the friend you can ask to go with you to Lowe's even though I find no joy in visiting home improvement stores.

I'm the one who knows everything will always get better. Always.

So who am I? I'm Jean Valjean.

Come on, there are at least three of you who thought that I would say that when you read my blog title! I was singing that song in my head and well, that's where this blog came from. So who are you, anyway? Tell me...I'd really love to know.

What I know for sure

I know that having hives is annoying and uncomfortable and I know I am ready to be done with them (what I don't know is where or how I got them.)

I know that I hate feeling as if my kindness and generosity are being taken for granted.

I know that Breaking Dawn Part 2 was way better than I expected it would be.

I know that I will never, ever, ever, ever settle for someone not worthy of me.  Like, ever.

I know that I can't wait to take my annual shopping trip with Michelley next weekend, even though it means I'll miss the Messiah sing along (sad.)

I know that Christmas music has the power to make me incredibly happy yet extremely melancholy all at the same time.

And yes, I know that Christmas Shoes is still the worst Christmas song ever.  (Like, ever.)

I know that getting your visiting teaching done is a whole lot easier when you have a partner (it only took them about six months of begging to give me someone awesome.)

I know that the power of the Priesthood is real and amazing.

I know that I want to go to bed because Benadryl knocks me out.  Every. Single. Time.

Post election malaise

My work day stunk to high heaven and at this very moment, everything I voted for is losing or not passing.  How's that for a great feeling?  Oh, it's not a great feeling.  At.  All. So you're probably dying to know what I'm grateful for, right?

1. I watched my first episode of Downton Abbey tonight so I'm grateful for a good British TV show to take my mind off of the depressing election news.  I loved it so much.  I'd be grateful for Hulu Plus if it would let me sign up for it so I could watch the rest of season one but no. The world is against me today, remember?

2. I'm grateful I get to sleep in tomorrow because I have an eye appt.  I won't be grateful tomorrow when they tell me how bad my eyes are and how I should get expensive transition lenses that I know I will hate so I will say no to them and instead keep wearing cheaters that I take off and put back on again making me feel even older than I already am.

3. I'm grateful for my faith.  I have great faith that we will be okay. We have a father in heaven who loves us, who cares about us and won't let us falter.  We need to keep moving forward with hope for our future.  We need to stay on the Lord's side.  Some may call it naivete but not me.  It's called faith and I've got it in spades, people.

Hmm...

I'm struggling to think of something meaningful or clever that I'm especially grateful for tonight so I will just say these three little items and call it good.

1. I'm thankful for a good haircut and color. It makes me wonder why I felt the need to let my hair get so long anyway. Haircuts rule.

2. I'm thankful to happen upon fun movies on random cable channels. It makes me happy to turn on the TV and watch PS I Love You (Hillary Swank wore the best coats and I really want to go to Ireland but only if I can meet Jeffrey Dean Morgan) and Dirty Dancing (I carried a watermelon?)

3. I'm thankful for my friends who have me over for dinner pretty much every Sunday. I love having a fun place to go after church. I love being around sweet families who love me as much as I love them. It's a win win all around.

Walk tall...

Today I'm grateful for the much needed reminder that I am loved and that I am a daughter of God.

I have felt pangs of loneliness many times over the past month but today was reminded how many wonderful friends I have. I was enveloped and surrounded by loving sisters in the chapel at Debbie's funeral today - women who have made and continue to make a difference in my life. I pray that I can remember that feeling the next time I'm sad about my little life.

I got asked at the last moment to lead the women's choir in singing "Walk Tall You're a Daughter of God" at the funeral. My friend Lynda has this ability to get you to do things you know you can't really do well but it is impossible to say no to her. (I also want to remember how she sent someone down from the stand to get my friends and me to move from where we were sitting on the side to a row in the center of the chapel so that she could look at us when she spoke. Of course we all moved. Lynda has great power and thankfully she only uses it for good.)

I told Lynda yesterday that I would lead the choir if needed but there were several others who also said they could lead. Well, I drew the short straw this morning and could not say no when asked, even though I am no choir director. As I stood in front of a group of 30 or so women whom I love and who dearly loved Debbie, I felt the spirit of the message of that song so strongly. God is my father. He knows me and loves me. I just need to reach out whenever I need Him and He will be there for me.

While I was fighting back tears and trying (and failing) to remember the fermatas we added at the last minute, I had the strong memory come to my mind of all of the times I stood in front of our Primary leading the music, when Debbie was one of the teachers. I remembered her sweet smile and beautiful loving spirit so vividly, it was like she was part of that choir today.

"Walk tall you're a daughter, a child of God.
Be strong - please remember who you are.
Try to understand, you're part of His great plan.
He's closer than you know - reach up, He'll take your hand."