I want a moment...

I haven't blogged in three months. I know very few people even notice that I haven't blogged or even miss reading my dumb little posts but I miss it. I hate that there are so many blank spots now in this little bit of my personal history. Like most people, I'm so busy my head feels like it's literally spinning most days. I just want a moment...

I want a moment to share details about and pictures of my trips to Texas and Utah. I kept notes about one trip but not about the other. If I wait too long, the important details will leave my brain forever. 

I want a moment to hang up all of the laundry that's piling up in my bedroom. 

I want a moment to get my Book of Mormon clothes made for youth conference next week. 

I want a moment (and some sunshine) to sit on my Mom's patio and watch her puppies play. 

I want a moment to blog about some of the recipes I've made recently that I love. 

I want a moment to drive to the Sonic that's 40 minutes away and get a gigantic raspberry limeade. And truthfully, I want to sit in my car and drink one and then order a second one. 

I want a moment to organize my thoughts after 5.5 hours of stake youth meetings last night. I feel almost paralyzed by all that's in my head right now and while I know this too shall pass, right now, things are a little/a lot hard. Granted, I wouldn't want the alternative so I'll stop whining. 

I want a moment to finish graduation gift shopping and to write about all of the totally amazing kids I love who graduated high school last week. 

I want a moment to express gratitude for my crazy, wonderful, yet not exactly what I hoped for life. 

I want a moment to nap. For like four hours of moments.  

I want a moment to tell my upstairs neighbors that they have to think of a way to shut their stupid dog up so she's not barking all night long. We live in a condo - it's so beyond unacceptable to have a dog that barks nearly every hour all night long. She needs to sleep in a kennel. 

I want a moment to listen to my Broadway pandora station, to play Candy Crush, to read a book. Maybe even all at the same time. 

I want a moment to rewrite this so it doesn't sound so whiny but meh. Nobody reads my blog anyway (well except for like 5 people who love me despite my faults and wouldn't judge me for being whiny.)

Okay here's a pic of Leah and me that I don't think I put on Instagram. Love her even though she's growing up and leaving me. 

What I Like

I was asked recently what I saw in my beloved Robert Downey Jr because while yes, he’s totally hot, he’s also not the typical Hollywood looking guy. He has that certain je ne sais quoi that’s hard to describe (yes I took three years of French…be very impressed.)

But it got me thinking as to what I find attractive in men. I know girls who make lists of very detailed things they desire in a man and I’ve never really done that. However, there are qualities I find adorable and attractive and they include the following:

A testimony all his own
This is pretty much a given but still needs to be said and needs to be said first. I want someone who is firm in his testimony and convictions, someone who wants to go to church every week, someone who is worthy to marry me in the temple and who will willingly use his Priesthood authority.

Personality
People, it’s all about the personality for me. I don’t care if you’re pretty or scary looking. Truly, I do not. I care most about whether you have a thought in your head, if we can make conversation and whether or not we can make each other laugh. Confidence, not cockiness, is also attractive to me. It’s a fine line between the two and hard to describe and explain but I know it when I see it.

Kindness and goodness
In one of my favorite movies, "Waitress," one of the characters says “you are the queen of kindness and goodness.”

I find kindness and goodness to be extremely attractive qualities in a man. I love people who are inherently good…people who serve willingly, people who smile at others, people who do randomly nice things for others. Yes, you can still be rascally, obnoxious and yes, by all means, please be imperfect but always be kind and respectful to me and especially to others like food service employees, my mother, older people and little kids.

Just listen
Another one of my favorite lines from "Waitress" says “And then I was addicted, baby. I was addicted to saying things and having them matter to someone.” (If you haven’t seen it, it’s a really good movie about an imperfect girl who finds her way through her challenging life.)

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that I really love when my voice is being heard. I of course, love listening to others and I love trying to help those I care about with their problems but every so often, I want to feel like someone is there to listen to me too.  My love for being heard doesn’t mean I need to be out front, on stage, in charge, the loudest in the room, etc. although that can be fun at times too. But I just want to find someone who cares about what I think, who remembers the stuff I tell him about things that are important to me, who asks me how my day was and then asks me questions about what I just said.

That kind of sounds like a lot when I list it out but it’s also pretty basic, human interaction stuff. Really, what it all boils down to is me wanting to matter to someone. That’s totally normal, right?

Well, or if this guy ever became single and showed up at my door, I probably wouldn't mind that either.

 

 Okay I didn't just write this post simply so that I could share pictures of RDJr.  But, you're welcome.

Crazy life

My life is really good right now...very fun, but not overly blogworthy.  I don't take pictures of all of the fun things I do because either I don't think about it or they are just "normal" things. Such as:

I'm part of a goals club and I'm working to accomplish some things in my life...some with success, others not so much.

I eat dinner at my friend Susan's house at least twice a week, often times more.  Her family has made me their family and they are such a blessing to me. Her girls, specifically ABBIE and BECCA are anxious for me to blog more and to blog more about them.  It's coming, girls.  I promise.

Two more ward conferences to go - mixed emotions about that.  I love them but it will be nice to have somewhat quieter Sundays again.

I'm going to Texas in two weeks for Samantha's wedding. (I just searched my blog and I don't think I ever blogged about our trip to Idaho last year to help her shop for her wedding dress.) Samantha was one of my camp girls several years ago but since then we have become very close and she even asked me to be her escort at the temple. I'm so honored and touched and really hope I have enough room in my suitcase for all of the kleenex I will need. She and her sweet fiance are so happy and excited and are going to have a wonderful life together. Oh and I found a dress to wear to the wedding - thank heavens. Guys and their suits/tuxes have it SO easy.

I'm deep in the throes of camp planning...so many  meetings and email already.  I love it even though it occasionally makes me crazy. We're also doing "From Cumorah's Hill" with the youth of our stake and I love it.  It's challenging in that we don't have nearly enough rehearsals but I know it will be amazing.

My BFF Kim is going to be in Utah the first couple of weeks in April and I think our friend Lisa and I are driving down so we can visit her. I'm so, so, so excited to see Kim.  We keep in touch via email, FB and occasional skype and phone calls while she is living overseas but just seeing her and being with her in person will be wonderful.

And, now I'm going to be late to work. (One of my goals is to NOT be late to work...sigh...)

Right now

Apparently I haven't blogged in a month. I'll try one of these to maybe get me back on the wagon again.

Watching: Survivor. I don't know if I can take an entire season of Mr Pink Underwear again. Ugh.

Drinking: water, water and more water. I tried diet Pepsi with lime and holy cow was that stuff disgusting.

Eating: Nothing right this second but my favorite lunch is cucumber sandwiches (slice of French bread, a little veggie cream cheese and sliced cucumber.) So, so good. (Credit goes to my friend Jeni for introducing them to me.)

Listening: the Les Miserables soundtrack. Can't stop. When I'm not listening to it, the songs are going through my head.

Wearing: Christmas pajamas. Of course.

Reading: I just started the book of Jarom in the Book of Mormon. We challenged the youth in our stake to finish the BofM before we perform "From Cumorah's Hill" this May. I'm loving it - especially now that I'm through 2 Nephi.

Feeling: Mixed. That could be because of hormones. TMI? Too bad.

Weather: Cold! I wish we would get at least one snow day instead of this in between stuff. I want spring but I would love to sit at home and watch it snow all day.

Wanting: to go to Utah in April. It might happen. Cross your fingers!

Needing: to figure out how I can get more sleep. I am becoming worse and worse at sleeping and I hate that.

Wishing: well, more praying than wishing. Praying for Jeni's dad and praying for my friends Becky and Sandy who lost their mom last week.

Thinking: that it was four years ago today that my dad died.

Enjoying: the fact that today was the first day in three weeks where I didn't have knee pain. I hurt it doing basically nothing. I probably should still go to the doctor but I'm a dork.

Loving: Candy Crush Saga. I cannot get past level 77. It's probably a good thing that this game only gives you 5 lives at a time.

Whiny yet grateful

I counted up the hours I will have spent this week on church calling related meetings and activities and wondered if you'd like to hear the number?  

Prepare yourself. 

22 hours.  

This includes meetings, a New Beginnings, Ward Conferences, a YCL retreat/party, preparing messages for three of those events (I'm giving four different talks/messages this month - it was going to be five but I offloaded one, thankfully.)  This number doesn't include the number of emails, phone calls and texts that were related to my calling (hundreds of email - I am not exaggerating.)  

I'm not complaining.  I really wouldn't have it any other way.  I would be really sad to not be serving the youth of my stake but it's just a little crazy right now.  I am feeling incredibly blessed and inspired as I prepare my talks.  I'm healthy.  I'm getting some sleep (I think I got 10 hours last night - first time in forEVER.) So for the most part, things are okay.

However, I've had a couple of stressful things happen this month - heartbreaking things that have shook me to my core, pretty much.  I've cried a lot.  I've worried a lot.  I've prayed a lot.  I've questioned myself and my decisions.  I've felt completely and utterly alone, at times.

But I really think the reason I haven't curled up into the fetal position and taken to my bed is because of three things...my job, my friends and my calling.  I have been able to go to work each day and concentrate on other things for several hours which has helped a ton.  I have some solid-as-a-rock friends who are there for me consistently and completely.  Friends who invite me to dinner and email me and call me and listen to me whine about my sadness and confusion.  Then I have a calling that brings me such joy, I find it hard to express just exactly how much.

I guess I just want to blog today about gratitude.  Even though another year has begun with me still wanting, I'm grateful that overall, I'm happy and fulfilled.  I'm grateful for my faith and my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I have a good life, a fun life and a life that is filled with love and happiness.  Really, what more could a girl ask for?

Okay a girl could ask for a couple of pictures in a blog once in awhile...here are some random happy things from the holidays:

The Robinson's gave me a Kindle Paperwhite - I wept.

Me and my seester in Mom's pantry

The J's: Jana, Jaylene & Jenilee

My adorable soon to be a missionary in Ecuador niece Dolly

me and the Allen girls

Roberto as a horse

My  mom and Soph

Matt the photo bomb at Natalie's baptism

I wish...

I wish my makeup would miraculously remove itself every night

I wish I was one of those people who aired her grievances and solved all of her problems via social media (okay, only once in awhile...)

I wish my clothes would never get dirty, thus resulting in my never needing to do laundry

I wish I was in England right now just doing anything or nothing with my BFF

I wish I was one of those people who jumped right out of bed when the alarm went off

I wish it wasn't so painful walking into my evening relief society meeting alone, wondering who would sit with me

I wish I would put away my shoes at night instead of leaving them to pile up inside my front door

I wish the frosting on my mint brownies would set up so I could go to bed.

I wish the radio stations would stop playing "Christmas Shoes" once and for all

I wish I could write what I really wish for without sounding whiny and ungrateful

I wish everyone's Christmas wishes would come true

I wish...frosting's done. I'm going to bed!

Who am I?

I'm the girl who can never say no to bread.

I'm the one who cares entirely too much if people like me or not.

I'm the girl who can watch "Pride and Prejudice" lit'rally (say it just like that) every single night as I'm falling asleep.

I'm the dork who says "that was funny" whenever something is, you know, funny.

I'm the aunt who really loves her nieces and nephews.

I'm the girl who uses lipstick as lip balm (gets kind of expensive.)

I'm the one who adds a splash of Cherry Coke to her Diet Coke (thanks to my friend Anne for the awesome idea.)

I'm perfectly happy driving with the heat on full blast for miles.

I'm the person you can call to go with you for your patriarchal blessing (thank you SO much for asking me, Nikki!)

I'm the girl who still hopes desperately that her lifetime will contain some version of the ideal.

I'm that friend who would love to bake you your favorite treat for your birthday.

I'm the person who hates bananas with a passion.

I'm the queen of procrastination.

I'm the kind of person who can't just sit and watch television without doing at least one other thing.

I'm the girl who likes to schedule everything.

I'm the friend you can ask to go with you to Lowe's even though I find no joy in visiting home improvement stores.

I'm the one who knows everything will always get better. Always.

So who am I? I'm Jean Valjean.

Come on, there are at least three of you who thought that I would say that when you read my blog title! I was singing that song in my head and well, that's where this blog came from. So who are you, anyway? Tell me...I'd really love to know.

What I know for sure

I know that having hives is annoying and uncomfortable and I know I am ready to be done with them (what I don't know is where or how I got them.)

I know that I hate feeling as if my kindness and generosity are being taken for granted.

I know that Breaking Dawn Part 2 was way better than I expected it would be.

I know that I will never, ever, ever, ever settle for someone not worthy of me.  Like, ever.

I know that I can't wait to take my annual shopping trip with Michelley next weekend, even though it means I'll miss the Messiah sing along (sad.)

I know that Christmas music has the power to make me incredibly happy yet extremely melancholy all at the same time.

And yes, I know that Christmas Shoes is still the worst Christmas song ever.  (Like, ever.)

I know that getting your visiting teaching done is a whole lot easier when you have a partner (it only took them about six months of begging to give me someone awesome.)

I know that the power of the Priesthood is real and amazing.

I know that I want to go to bed because Benadryl knocks me out.  Every. Single. Time.

Post election malaise

My work day stunk to high heaven and at this very moment, everything I voted for is losing or not passing.  How's that for a great feeling?  Oh, it's not a great feeling.  At.  All. So you're probably dying to know what I'm grateful for, right?

1. I watched my first episode of Downton Abbey tonight so I'm grateful for a good British TV show to take my mind off of the depressing election news.  I loved it so much.  I'd be grateful for Hulu Plus if it would let me sign up for it so I could watch the rest of season one but no. The world is against me today, remember?

2. I'm grateful I get to sleep in tomorrow because I have an eye appt.  I won't be grateful tomorrow when they tell me how bad my eyes are and how I should get expensive transition lenses that I know I will hate so I will say no to them and instead keep wearing cheaters that I take off and put back on again making me feel even older than I already am.

3. I'm grateful for my faith.  I have great faith that we will be okay. We have a father in heaven who loves us, who cares about us and won't let us falter.  We need to keep moving forward with hope for our future.  We need to stay on the Lord's side.  Some may call it naivete but not me.  It's called faith and I've got it in spades, people.

Hmm...

I'm struggling to think of something meaningful or clever that I'm especially grateful for tonight so I will just say these three little items and call it good.

1. I'm thankful for a good haircut and color. It makes me wonder why I felt the need to let my hair get so long anyway. Haircuts rule.

2. I'm thankful to happen upon fun movies on random cable channels. It makes me happy to turn on the TV and watch PS I Love You (Hillary Swank wore the best coats and I really want to go to Ireland but only if I can meet Jeffrey Dean Morgan) and Dirty Dancing (I carried a watermelon?)

3. I'm thankful for my friends who have me over for dinner pretty much every Sunday. I love having a fun place to go after church. I love being around sweet families who love me as much as I love them. It's a win win all around.

Walk tall...

Today I'm grateful for the much needed reminder that I am loved and that I am a daughter of God.

I have felt pangs of loneliness many times over the past month but today was reminded how many wonderful friends I have. I was enveloped and surrounded by loving sisters in the chapel at Debbie's funeral today - women who have made and continue to make a difference in my life. I pray that I can remember that feeling the next time I'm sad about my little life.

I got asked at the last moment to lead the women's choir in singing "Walk Tall You're a Daughter of God" at the funeral. My friend Lynda has this ability to get you to do things you know you can't really do well but it is impossible to say no to her. (I also want to remember how she sent someone down from the stand to get my friends and me to move from where we were sitting on the side to a row in the center of the chapel so that she could look at us when she spoke. Of course we all moved. Lynda has great power and thankfully she only uses it for good.)

I told Lynda yesterday that I would lead the choir if needed but there were several others who also said they could lead. Well, I drew the short straw this morning and could not say no when asked, even though I am no choir director. As I stood in front of a group of 30 or so women whom I love and who dearly loved Debbie, I felt the spirit of the message of that song so strongly. God is my father. He knows me and loves me. I just need to reach out whenever I need Him and He will be there for me.

While I was fighting back tears and trying (and failing) to remember the fermatas we added at the last minute, I had the strong memory come to my mind of all of the times I stood in front of our Primary leading the music, when Debbie was one of the teachers. I remembered her sweet smile and beautiful loving spirit so vividly, it was like she was part of that choir today.

"Walk tall you're a daughter, a child of God.
Be strong - please remember who you are.
Try to understand, you're part of His great plan.
He's closer than you know - reach up, He'll take your hand."

It's Friday, Friday...

Today I'm thankful for the following...

1. Good, true friends who stick by me, who are always there for me and who love me no matter what.

2. Finally finding "my" perfect mascara.  Like the perfect chocolate chip cookie recipe, I have long been obsessed with finding the best mascara and I think I've found it.  I had a brief flirtation with "They're Real" by benefit but quickly grew tired of the price, the fact that it dried up so quickly and that I had to drive to the mall to buy another tube.  Then Nat did a comparison of some mascaras and spoke highly of L'oreal's Voluminous False Fiber and I gave it a whirl. Guess what?  It totally rocks.

3. Memories of a wonderful, dear friend who passed away this week after a long fight with cancer.  Debbie Merrill went to camp with me many years and I admired her quiet strength and her incredible patience and kindness.  She's one of those people who you never heard speak harshly about anyone or raise her voice in anger - she was just good.  I have a lot of wonderful memories but one of my most favorite of all of my 11 years at YW camp involved Debbie.  Most of the girls were off doing the polar bear dip and a few of us leaders waited behind in the field.  For some reason, Debbie picked up the microphone and lip synced to James Brown's "I Feel Good."  It was SO out of character.  Debbie was very quiet and didn't need the spotlight - ever.  But those few moments where she let loose and danced and channeled James Brown are forever imprinted in my memory. It was the best.  She was a devoted wife to Dan and mother to Logan and Jana and I feel so blessed having known her these past 14+ years.


Lynda, Debbie, Tricia and Audrey



Let's get this here blog going again...

I don't know about you but I miss my blog. I miss capturing the little things in my life that I know I will forget as time goes on so I'm going to try again by doing a gratitude journal here leading up to Thanksgiving. I will not promise to write every day but I'm going to try. And if you can't get on my blog to comment using Google Chrome, I'm sorry because I can't either. I also changed my layout because it would never let me do a new post in the old one. And now my photos are too big but at least I can post, right? Okay, enough whining...here are some little things I'm thankful for.

1. I'm thankful for finally finding the perfect chocolate chip cookie recipe.  This chocolate chip cookie recipe is truly the best I've ever made. I've been going to my friend Susan's house for dinner on Sundays and when I ask everyone what they want for dessert, it's always this recipe. I don't know if it's the dark brown sugar, the chilling the dough overnight, the mini chocolate chips or all of those things but truly, you must make this cookie. We make them with an ice cream scoop (bake 12-13 minutes or until it's golden around the edges) and serve warm with a glass of milk. Heaven.

2. I'm thankful for an affordable and awesome foundation.  I have been using L'oreal's BB cream for the last month or so and I adore it. Excellent lightweight coverage - seriously try it.  I use medium, in case you were wondering what shade you should get. Available at Target, Walgreens or wherever for like $8.

3. I'm grateful for "Red" the new Taylor Swift cd, album, whatever it's called.  It's really good even though I'm not really in her target demographic.  I can't stop listening to it even though I really want to switch to Christmas music full time...soon...soon...

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was much better this year for a lot of reasons.  We celebrated my mom on Saturday. Jen and her kids came up and we ran around getting a few last minute things, like a new BBQ for mom.  I love this self portrait of us.

My cute niece McKenzie helped me with the baking.  I cannot believe she is going to be 14 this fall!

After we ate, we played a little backyard "baseball" which was very fun.  Except I cannot hit.  At.  All.

Leah then came by and surprised me with flowers.  Love that girl.

Ben called a bit later and asked if I'd help him complete his Mother's Day shopping by driving him to the store.  He ditched me for a bit and got me these perfect earrings, a DC and my favorite gum.  So very sweet and thoughtful.

On Sunday, church was less than painful this year (thankfully.)  Then I went over to Mom's and we had dinner together. Cindy came over a bit later with these cute tulips and kisses. Love this girl.
 

Late birthday recap

My birthday was nearly two months ago but since I've been on a bit of a blogging vacation, it never made the blog.  So in an effort to move my last somewhat whiny post down a bit, I'm going to play a little catch up and blog about my wonderful 45th birthday.

I took the day off on the actual day and met Lynda and Greg for lunch at Spaghetti Factory.  They brought me Greg-selected gifts...a fun hair thing to wear at camp and an electric bug zapper.  I've mentioned before how much I adore this guy but seriously, I adore him. (Know any fantastic 20-something women looking for a great guy??? I'd love to get him married off!)

After lunch, I met Michelle for a movie to see The Avengers - loved it.  But during the movie, I started getting panicked texts from Susan so after the movie I called her to find out what was wrong.  Our friend Bret had passed away suddenly and unexpectedly.  Bret and I met at Boeing more than 20 years ago and then I became friends with his wife Tammy through our camp service a few years ago.  It was heartbreakingly sad and I plan on yelling at him for dying on my birthday when I see him again. (Kidding...mostly.)

Despite the sadness, my family and the Kings were gathering at Red Robin for my birthday dinner so I put on a happy face and carried on.  Here are my beautiful sisters, Jaylene and Jenilee.

Cindy and Rylee

But my day wasn't over yet!  After dinner, I went up to the church for dance festival practice where everyone serenaded me and we celebrated with Oreos, then, to the King's for gifts.

When I finally got home, I found this fun sight, courtesy of Leah and Paige.  They decorated my "porch" and more and I loved it.

They wrote on my (eww, dirty) kitchen window.

This was one of my favorite things - this sea of colorful post-its stayed up for a couple of weeks, in fact.  So fun!

I celebrated at work too, coming in to find all of these fun things waiting on my desk when I finally decided to roll on in.

One bag contained some of this yummy goodness.  Have you tried it yet?  Yum.

My boss (well, his wife, really) sent me this amazing bag.  It's the perfect tote for travel - simply beautiful.

I also got wonderful gifts in the mail from my far away friends like all of the Catron ladies.  I know what a pain it is to ship things so these gifts are especially meaningful.  My birthday went on and on this time - from a surprise Oreo delivery from Natalie to a belated birthday cake from my mom.  All of this love helped make this a truly wonderful birthday.

Needy

I've been feeling "off" all week.  I'm totally putting on a (mostly) happy face for the world around me but I've finally figured out that I'm feeling needy.

I kind of hate the word "needy."

When you're a most-of-the-time satisfied singleton like me, you are independent, you don't need anyone to do anything for you, you can take care of yourself, thank you very much, etc.

But this week...for whatever reason, I just...NEED.

I need someone to go to lunch with me like this cute girl did on Monday.

I need to not have to go alone to a spouses-included BBQ for the stake youth leaders I serve with (but I did and it was mostly fine.)

I need someone to bring me a Slurpee like this wonderful and so-in tune-it-scared-me-a-bit girl did on Thursday.

I need someone who will make an effort to talk to me first when I'm feeling awkward and dorky in a crowd.

I need someone to invite me to spend the 4th of July with their family, like these awesome people did.  And to top it all off, they didn't make me feel like a third wheel and the amazing husband told me I should plan on spending all holidays with them since he knew holidays are hard for me. (Yes I had to walk away when he said it so he wouldn't see me fighting back the tears.)

I need someone to call me or text me just because they are thinking of me and not because I called or texted first.

And if that makes me needy, well, so be it.

June...in photos

With only 10 minutes left in June, I'm scrambling to post at least once this month.  How incredibly sad is that?  Sigh.  So, here are a bunch of pics from fun times I had in June.  Two things I realized when loading these pictures?  One, I wear black entirely too much (although several of these pics are from the same day.)  Two, my life is pretty dang awesome.

Me and the kids...love love love.

Dani and Michelle

Lovely Lilly.

Another graduate...Paige.  So love this girl.

Oh just me and a hot dog. No big deal.

We're on a boat!

Someone was VERY excited to get a JB watch

Celebrating Jen's b-day.  I adore my family.

Me and my cute momma in her ginormous back yard

Rylee, Leah and best-photo-face-ever-Kenna

Just two girls, preparing to scatter a little sunshine

Eric, Abbie & Josh

Lisa popping in.  And Kim was here!!! Oh happy day...

Celebrating Kim's visit.  What was with the black?  Sheesh.

At the temple

Cody, Linsie & Paige at Linsie's last dance recital

Leah and Glenn - best Slurpee deliverers ever!

Riding a sea lion

Me and a statue on a super fun day