Dear upstairs neighbor,

We live in condos that have pretty well soundproofed walls but crappy soundproofing between the floors/ceilings. At the risk of sounding like a crochety old woman (and because I'm passive-aggressive), I'm compiling a list of things you do, on a blog you don't know even exists, that drive me crazy:

1. Do you ever take your shoes off when you're at home? Ever?
2. Is it really necessary to do laundry at 11:30 PM on a Tuesday night? How about at 6 AM on a Saturday? I know things come up, you run out of underwear, whatever, but seriously, once a week?
3. And while we're talking about laundry, did you ever stop to think that if you start a load of laundry and then get in your car and drive away, it MIGHT not be a good idea? At least 1-2 times a month, your washing machine goes off balance or whatever and you're not there to stop it. I keep waiting for it to fall through the ceiling as it's thumping away but it hasn't yet. Maybe you could try smaller, better-balanced loads? Just a suggestion...
4. I admire the fact that you walk on your treadmill every day but at 10:45 PM on a weeknight? Treadmills are kind of loud, in case you weren't aware.
5. Do you go through a lot of toilet seats? I would think dropping the lid from the upright position so that it slams on the porcelain bowl each time you use it would end up causing something to crack eventually.
6. Would you consider buying a newer, less squeaky bed? Preferably before your next sleepover?

All of these reasons have caused me to have to sleep with earplugs. I don't feel overly safe sleeping with earplugs living in a ground floor condo. It would make me happy to be able to hear the axe murderers and rapists as they are breaking in rather than when they are already in the room and standing over my bed. I do keep a baseball bat under my bed but I really think I need the element of surprise to be effective.

Thanks for the consideration,
Your perfect neighbor